Panama Day Two

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Catrigandi

The morning came soon enough, we had slept well this first night and we were eager to go, the vehicles were piled high once again and we all found our places amongst the baggage.  Alan took us to a small local restaurant for breakfast; a hut of sorts, open walled but under cover, a string of flags hung along the length of it lending a feeling of celebration.  Ah, perfect…an outside experience of food, tastes that would soon become expected; deep fried bread, rounds of fried corn taco, scrambled eggs, beef in sauce, smoked puerco, coffee with leche and always our own water.

Soon we were on our way heading for the Fosters home in Catrigandi.  Once we turned off the main road, we soon realized why we needed four wheel drive; the road was steep, rough and muddy from the last rain, we drove through streams of water overflowing from the river that ran alongside the road and sometimes was the road.  Of course Alan knows all the tricks for driving this high road but Jason had his work cut out for him, it wasn’t long and the Prado was sideways.  But of course, what man doesn’t love winching something stuck in the mud!

As we continued on we passed by the homes and properties carved into the jungle, some were in the clearing, fenced, near the road, others were settled further in and we could catch glimpses of their lifestyles; children playing, elders sitting by, dogs roaming, chickens pecking, horses and cows grazing, saddles hanging, dirt floors swept hard, water lines hanging through trees and surrounding everything was the jungle…amazing.

Soon, we were opening the gate and entering into the property of Alan and Colleen, before us was the home they had built, high on stilts, painted yellow, open decks, open windows, stairs leading us up to the entry deck, walls painted brightly with jungle scenes, through the front door into the kitchen…home.

This Catrigandi home is built and overflowing with intention, simplicity and love…love of the land, love of family.  We spent the remainder of the day wandering about the house and property, taking in this lifestyle the Fosters have embraced.  Everything has to do with heat, humidity, critters, being clean, waste and water. The house has electricity that is powered with solar panels, in a system of wires and switches fashioned together on a shelf in a corner of the kitchen.  Alan showed us his outside shower, like a spa, built with rock, cement and tile, the water heated with propane.  All was surrounded by walls fashioned together from sheets of white plastic, leaving enough space to walk around and yes, feel pampered.  The outside toilet equally beautiful, double doored, windows all around, frosted glass, louvered, open rafters and floors grouted with pieces of broken tiles all in shades of yellow and white…with two seats.  Alan used a system of go, scoop, decompose and switch…an odorless combination of microbiology and invention…perfect.

We are enveloped in the jungle, every kind of palm tree rising up around us, burgeoning with papayas, coconuts and plantains; plantains brought down by Robin with a machete,  trees overflowing with grapefruit, oranges and limes, some falling to the ground, begging to be peeled and squeezed and consumed, Maranga trees laden with leaves to be stripped and stirred into salads; the garden of Eden. 

In the day, the canopies of the trees are home for spider monkeys, lime green parrots, colorful toucans and at night they came alive with howler monkeys,  crickets and tree frogs; all making their own noise…piercing noises, into the darkness.  Fireflies flitted around lighting up and hovering over the ground, over brush or fallen tree branches where the possibility of snakes, scorpions and chiggers could be awakened…always watch where you step.

After dinner, we talked many things; what we would see, where we would go, who we would visit and how we would get there.  We talked about baptism here in this country and at home, we laughed and sang and prayed and talked some more, all the while Kalea, danced between us adorning us with jewelry she made of string and paper... beautiful now.

“Beautiful on the mountain are the feet of those who bring good news”

Isaiah 52:7

Not so much that we are the ones bringing the good news, but we are hearing amazing and beautiful things.

I love that.

Panama, Day One

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Compelled

“I too will have my say; I too will tell what I know for I am full of words

and the spirit within me compels me.”   Job 32:17, 18

Compelled, what a great word, it is exactly the word that describes the feeling we all had as we boarded the plane to head to Panama.  It is a word that has kept coming up over and over these last days and even again this day, as I drove in the vehicle with Alan Foster and his family, he was describing to me how he came to stay in Panama. He said “I was compelled to walk down this remote road…”  He was eventually picked up by a missionary couple who invited him to stay and serve with them in Panama.  Needless to say he did.  It is for him that our team has made this long trip, we want to see where it is that we can be a help to this mission field, in this far away country...compelled to go to Panama, to love, to learn, to listen.

The first thing we noticed in Panama was the heat, hot and humid, the sky though dark with night was heavy with the smell of rain.  Our layers of clothing were soon peeled off as we loaded the 12 large suitcases and boxes filled with gifts and books and supplies, piled mostly on top of Alan’s vehicle and the vehicle we rented, secured with rope and all wrapped in large garbage bags…a cloud burst was never far away.  Then we stuffed in our 12 carry-ons, into corners, placed at our feet and onto our laps…all of this plus our 6 team members, Alan, Colleen, Kalea, the baby in his car seat and Samson, the dog…all sweaty.  Two vehicles all of this and oh yes, one more thing…air conditioning!

Our first stop was the grocery store for some dinner to eat along the way, it was already late and the only choice for food at this point.  So, having some food to eat, Gatorade to drink and conversation to share we made our way to our first stop; Chepo. 

El Chepo, an unassuming quaint motel, the front entrance was an open hallway with rooms on either side, simple clean, each room had one bed, its own bathroom, just a few bugs, not many and… air-conditioning.   A light rain had already started; we unpacked what we needed and settled in for the night; Loralee and I will be roommates for the next ten days… a little reading, writing, talking and sleeping.  

This is just the beginning.

I love that.

I am going to Panama

    I am reading a book by Emily P Freeman, she has written a most beautiful book filled with words that encourage us to take a deep look into our purpose, to find the art we were made to live…we are God’s handiwork after all, His masterpiece.  I love that…I am an artist, well, I have an artist’s mind, and I understand the idea of our purpose being an art work to be displayed, whether it is raising children, photography, creating with paint and brush or fitting words on a page.  More than that, in displaying His hand in all we do, all of us, God comes out in a million little ways.

   Months ago, I began looking into a mission’s trip I could be part of, to have a bigger purpose, something to be intentional about.  I had just read an article from Allan Foster, a missionary in Panama, the article was mentioning how they needed encouragement and wondered how a team could come to help them.  My first thought of service was for them, but what could I do alone.  Other ideas came and went, words from friends; doing this, going there or helping here, me thinking, months of searching out something intentional. 

    Then I heard that our church was sending a team to Panama, to the Fosters, the missionary family who months before had needed encouragement.  My first thought was, wow, I love that, they can search out what is needed and then I will join in on the next trip out.  But God had something else in mind, at the next church meeting, the question was asked if anyone else would like to join in…yes, me.

    Now it looked like I may be able to go along…but the team was set, their tickets already bought…and now it seemed like I may not be able to go.  Prayer and waiting and I thought perhaps the question should not have been asked and I wondered.  But God works in mysterious ways and I soon realized that of course the question was meant to be asked because I was meant to be part of the team…perfect.

    So, in just a few more sleeps, six of us will be heading out to Panama, loaded with eleven suitcases and boxes filled with tools, boat fittings, pump motors, computers, sound equipment, books, clothes, food, toys…more than that…words of encouragement, eyes open to learn, ears to listen and hearts to love.

    Our art, displaying God in a million little ways…

    I love that.

Brace Yourself

This past summer I read something that was old, I’ve read it a hundred times, more, but this time something new came out of it and I can’t get it out of my head.  Then I read something else, something new and it confirmed the old and I can’t get it out of my head.  These two ideas, rolling around bumping into each other inside of my head, answering a question, turning old hurts into new hope… bits of each of them, slipping down into my heart, like tears slipping down my cheeks; tears falling into my soul. 

I am often learning new lessons, but I just as often lose sight of them in a short time, I don’t want to lose this one and it has become my new mantra, my new lesson of staying alive, living this life as I am, with what I have been given, but also with what will be taken; living my life.

Maybe three years ago, around that time, God gave me a promise and I have been hanging on to it, hoping for it, counting on it, loving it, wanting it, knowing it and trusting God for it…I have it framed and hanging on my wall; lavishly more… true.  But I didn’t expect these years of waiting.  One of my lessons in the waiting, one that I am always forgetting is I need to not be so easily affected by what happens in the waiting, He has to remind me of this over and over again…God, can’t I remember that, hold onto that, live that?

Then three words happened, read in the old and again in the new; Anything, Abraham and Cling.

Anything; a book by Jenny Allen, asks the question what are you willing to give up to live a better, more fulfilling life concerning your faith? After reading and thinking and praying I responded, God, I will give up anything you ask.  What are you asking me to give up?  He answered; Brace yourself … and I realized with tears that He was asking me to give up the promise, not that it couldn’t still happen but I needed to let go of it, to stop living by it.

Abraham; promised by God that he would have a son, years and years passed by  and in Abraham’s old age God came true on that promise; Isaac.  But then, God said, take your one and only son, this promise I gave you and take him, bind him and sacrifice him on the mountain.  Take this promise I gave you and let go of it.

The amazing part of this story is; Brace yourself…Abraham was willing to sacrifice the promise, for God… anything! 

Cling; about God, Sarah Young writes “Though I have brought many pleasures into your life, not one of them is essential, enjoy my good gifts but do not cling to them.”  Abraham chose to be willing to give up his gift, his promise…I wanted to keep mine.

Three books, three words, one building on the other, confirming this new big idea; Brace yourself…be willing to sacrifice the promise, do not cling to it, yes, even the promise, like Abraham.  So over and over again, sinking it into my heart and soul and mind, I realized, my promise, given by God, that good gift, is my Anything.

I asked again, what will I give up?  What gift will I stop clinging to? 

I heard myself say; Brace yourself…

Anything.

A Clean Slate

I’ve been working on a project for Pastor Rob; it has been a cleansing to do it…in more ways than one. 

At the beginning of summer Rob did a sermon on brokenness, as the congregation entered into the sanctuary one by one and two by two, some in family groups, they were asked to take a piece of broken tile and hold it in their hands.  As Rob preached, the jagged pieces of tile were rolled around in hands, turned and held lightly, tightly, questioned and for some already understood.  

Rob asked the questions, “what have you been broken for, what struggles do you have, what hurt comes into your situations, what is there in your life that hurts others?” Pens were handed out and each person was asked to write the words of their brokenness on the tile.  

Broken tiles with broken words, sad and sorry and lost and hurtful…some with no words at all, perhaps no words were known for that sin or doubt or failure…some tiles left with the finger prints of their blood sweat and tears.  We are all broken in some way, but the good news is this, we can be restored, we do not need to stay in our brokenness… we can be made new …amazing grace, how sweet the sound.

The tiles were collected into a ceramic vase; it also jagged and cracked magnifying the message of brokenness.

My project was to take the tiles and make them into something beautiful, an image that could reflect the truth of being restored into something new, that we don’t have to stay broken, we are worth restoration.

So a friend and I took the broken tiles and fashioned them around the frame of a mirror, laid them in a pattern, working them together side by side, jagged, sharp, broken edges placed purposely and with intention, knowing that some of these hurts were people we knew, sat beside in the sanctuary, walked alongside through the aisles, sang with, talked with…prayed with.  A church is not filled with perfect people; it is filled with broken people.  God loves that, He is in the business of restoration… isn’t that perfect.

We chose a mirror as our project for two reasons, one, because it’s useful and two, because it is a reminder that we are being molded by God to reflect His glory, created in His image.

When we had all the pieces in place it was my job to grout them in, here is where the cleansing happened.  Anyone who has grouted knows that at the right time a damp cloth is needed to wipe away the grout form the tiles for the beauty to show through, fingers are needed to fill the spaces and to smooth the places that are hard to get at.  Sometimes the more you wipe, the more the tiles are covered, it takes time; drying…and wiping , drying and wiping gently, all gently, over and over wiping the tiles clean, removing every trace of the grout from the face of the tiles.  As I leaned over these tiles, with my fingers sore and hurting, hands working, smoothing, wiping, I understood the hands of God; even though hurting over our jagged edges, He is lovingly, carefully wiping over us, wiping us clean, not all at once but slowly taking His time, the right time, removing all trace of our brokenness, making us new, beautiful...I love that.

“I will forever wipe the slate clean of their sins”

Hebrews 10:17

Forgetting to Remember What is True

The number 7 is mentioned in the bible 490 times…maybe more, of course the number seven can mean nothing more than seven but mostly in the words of God it is speaking to wholeness, it is a number representing completeness, divine perfection or something that is finished by Him.

Jesus is that divine perfection and all that is represented by the number 7.

The devil is 666.

The devil will never measure up.  Yes we are in a spiritual battle, yes he roars around like a lion searching to devour us up, but the devil can only do what God has given him permission to do…and he knows it.

God is stronger.  God is greater.  We should live like we know that, that our hope is in God’s power, not that we know the devil is roaring around to devour us.

I hear people saying things like “the devil is attacking me” …maybe it’s so, and yes it can be true, but mostly we can do enough trouble ourselves, without him doing anything, yes, causing our own trouble, and I’m pretty sure he loves that!  We make our plans around God and because we love Him or because we believe He is calling us to it, we think that the only wrench in will be the devil, but what if it is our pride, our own self; me do it, look at me or perhaps it is an error in response, we become affected by a situation and we react instead of respond.  Responding, this is our responsibility to our faith, it is the basis for our free will; the responses we make.  When we make the wrong responses, not taking enough time to think things through or basing it on wrong information or letting our imaginations over-power the truth, we overreact.   Not being affected and making correct responses… that is hard; admitting that it’s not the circumstances, or the other people, or things or the devil; it is me…me forgetting what is true.

There is a word I learned from someone who crossed my path recently, Avidya…in general it means we respond in ways where we are “forgetting to remember what is true.” I think most of our troubles could be avoided if we would only stop long enough to remember what is true; true with the situation, true with the people involved and true with what God says is true. If you can, as much as it depends on you, ask yourself the question, ‘in this situation what is true?’

There is a fine line between realizing spiritual warfare and giving the devil the credit for our struggle, when we do the latter we are giving him that glory; don’t you think he loves every time he is mentioned?  Aside from everything else, this fact remains, it wasn’t the devil that said we would have struggles, God said it…in this world you will have trouble.

We love a powerful God, let’s live knowing that. Fight the good fight, don’t over-react, respond well and give God the glory… of course it’s not easy and our struggles won’t end but they will tell a better story.

Remembering what is true…I love that.

Hineni

Here I am.

The speaker in church this morning made a comment that reminded me of something I read during the week...that is the last phrase of Isaiah's talk with God..."Here I am. Send me"  This phrase "here I am" is the word Hineni. Literally it means - I am here, I am aware, I am fully present.

  

Hineni is said only a handful of times in the Bible...by Isaiah in Isaiah 6:8, several times by Abraham concerning the binding of Isaac, by Jacob, Moses, Samuel and by God Himself when He foretells the coming of Christ to earth ...Isaiah 52:6…therefore my people will know my name, Behold here I Am!

 

In truth this word is in direct relation to a call from God, a request “Who will I send?” It is a response to God, to begin living for something larger than yourself, “Are you in?”

I am here, I am aware, I am fully present…living intentionally…of course in relation to my faith, hopefully to anything I feel God is asking me to do, but even more simply, this is something I have been trying to do in my everyday walking about life, which of course God is asking me to do.

Don’t we sometimes get so wrapped up in our sorry problems, our regretful situations and our sad circumstances that we forget to live in the moment, the moment where life is happening right now, the moment where if we live intentionally, we would bypass another regretful situation.

Following is a gathering of ideas and thoughts of what I need to keep in mind of this walking about life of mine…not necessarily all my words but I love them just the same.

Have a vision of who I want to be, what I want to contribute, where I want to be…to be my best self, to be present and to be intentional.

Believe in my ability to figure things out; with time dedication and effort it will happen.  It will not be easy, there will be suffering, other people will be j-rks…but I will figure it out, proving my confidence and competence and worth.

Have fun, even when it’s hard…be pro-active, bring joy…I will bring light to the darkness.  This is not luck, it is discipline.

Be patient…be cool…allow time for things to happen, be persistent.  Be the peaceful warrior.

Love and respect others in this game of life…this is critical to my everyday walking about life.

Trust God; to let go and let God. Stop planning and thinking and being affected, practice accepting what I cannot change.

Show gratitude; my blessings and His amazing grace.

I love that…here I am.

Carrying My Questions Like Stones

I read an article this weekend, it spoke to the fact of how we mourn the events of Friday, Good Friday, the suffering and death of Christ, how He was buried in a tomb.  This article also spoke to how we rejoice to the outcome of Sunday, Easter Sunday, the joy of Christ alive, He lives!  But, what the article was really speaking to was Saturday, the day in between, the day where Christ lay in the tomb, waiting;  the day where His friends suffered His loss, were filled with confusion, uncertainty, doubts, loss of purpose and questions…so many questions.

Friends of Jesus, hearts and souls filled with hard questions; the questions that happened before the hope of Sunday, not knowing that they were waiting…just knowing loss of their hope.

This article went so far as to say that as Christians we live our lives as if we are always in the Saturday…forever waiting, overcome with questions, as if our hope is gone.

Do you think so?

I think as Christians we know where our hope lies, and it is in the Sunday; alive in Him.  Even so, I think we often find it difficult to apply this hope to our everyday walking about lives and we suffer in our circumstances, we are overloaded with the questions…questions that trip us up on our path as we go.  We want answers that will clear up our suffering and loss of purpose, answers to our Saturday questions.

What do we do with those Saturdays, those days filled with the uncertainty, those days weighed down with confusion, overcome with loss…those days where our questions seem to go unanswered?   What do we do with the Saturdays that leave us with feelings of loss, loss of purpose, loss of life…loss of hope?

This is what we do, we pick up the questions, the ones we don’t understand and we carry them in our hands, feeling them, turning them over again and again, throwing some away, tossing them to the edges of our path.  And others…we carry them like stones, waiting for Sunday, like a comfort…blessings in disguise.

I know my Saturday and I am carrying those questions like stones, rolling them over in my hands…some I have thrown away, some, their answers too personal even though I hold on to them,, others I hold gently but surely, my hope and my certainty; my questions are blessings in disguise.

The article I was reading, adapted from the book 'A Glorious Dark: Finding Hope in the Tension Between Belief and Experience' ended with this:

"We didn’t anticipate those dark moments of questions and waiting, they are nonetheless holy moments. Faith isn’t just Good Friday and Easter Sunday; faith is awkward Saturday too. "

 AJ Swoboda

I love that.

I am carrying my questions like stones.

Learning a Lesson

Just before John passed away he reconciled with God, I had waited 36 years for that amazing gift.

These last 5 years I have been waiting again, waiting for the years to pass, waiting for the hurt to pass, waiting for time to fit again and I have been wondering , “God, haven’t I already learned the lesson of waiting?” 

I have realized that even though I am waiting, this is not the lesson He has been giving me…it possibly never was.

Just now, these last days, in my intermittent suffering, I came upon a new realization, an epiphany of sorts…an amazing relief in some ways.  It came to me, words from God really, because I was asking Him again about waiting and He whispered to me “But what do you need to learn in the waiting?”

What do I need to learn inside of the waiting…do not be so easily affected.  I am too easily affected by what my people say to me, how they respond in situations close to me, how they act while on my path and what they do in the circumstances on my edges…sometimes it affects me too much.  I am affected too easily.  Sometimes my imagination adds to the issues… affecting my soul.

I went to write these words, this epiphany, in my journal when I saw that I had just a few days earlier noted in the corner “I am too easily affected”.  Somehow I had written the words but hadn’t taken them in. Now I am.

I am spending a few days in the City; I arrived last night and noticed that the church just next door was having an evening of music by candle light, after walking the streets of the city admiring the lights from the outside I determined to go into the Church to see the candle lights on the inside.

Inside, the presenter passed us pieces of paper, “write down your prayers” she said. “At the proper time, bring your prayers and lay them at the cross.”  I immediately knew my words and as I wrote them the music sweetly filled the room encouraging the mood to be vulnerable, true, humble…He knows me.  At the appointed time we were asked to bring the prayers up; perhaps twenty of us walked the aisle to the front and one by one we set our prayers alight…surely a pleasing aroma, a sweet fragrance of praise and prayer.

The music was beautiful, soul lifting, intermingled with encouraging words, ending with the tiniest, sweetest notes; wisps of music floating up from the fingers that played them to the hands of God and into the souls of those that took it in…beauty…peace.

Taking in the city lights…and learning a lesson.

I love that.

I am Known

I went to Mark Center a week or so ago, the organization had set up rooms in their lodge to be open to the public, small stages set up to encourage intimacy with what is known about God. I had heard about the beauty of this place and I was interested about what I would find there…I viewed the rooms, they were set up in a way of softness, quiet, intimate.  Intimate with God, He was there in spirit, mingling with the saints that gathered one or two at a time in the candle lit rooms.  I enjoyed all the moments, taking in the emotion, the plethora of senses arranged there; scents, sounds, sight, touch…all corresponding with words, words on pages placed in measured spaces as if stepping stones to your soul.  The words themselves were meaningful alone or strung together, meant to be pondered and held, like pearls on a string; enticing thoughts of reflection and relationship…mostly with God but also in our circumstances.  With each footfall through the rooms, up staircases, around corners, through doors, it was thought provoking and it was all heart felt.

 

There were six rooms, the last one, fully lit, calling out to God…thank-you.  Words of thankfulness posted to the large windows, handwritten on small squares of paper, fifty, a hundred, more…thanking God for insight, peace, family, love, confirmation…words written with heart and soul, words touched with grace.

If you didn’t go, I wish you could have been there.

As if that wasn’t enough there was more, an opportunity to be spoken over, to be prayed for; prophets with words from God, to you and to me.  This was what I was waiting for, a friend of mine went last year, he had been blessed and humbled, encouraged and confirmed…I wanted that, I needed that.

Prophets; people gifted with words from God, not foretelling the future but simply repeating words that God has given them about people, His friends in their midst.  I was anxious about the words God knew about me, what they would be…words of rebuke, words of loss, of change, of getting better…perhaps words of generalities, words that could be said for any one of you, simple, plain, black and white? Or, would they be words of meaning, words that I understood, words that only I would know…words of confirmation.

Words that He knows me…that’s what I wanted to hear, that is what I needed to hear.  I was not disappointed, the words told to me were so personal, I cried...truly, truly, I was humbled and blessed, encouraged and confirmed…I am known.

Such an amazing gift to receive this Christmas.

I love that.

Christmas Time...Joy to You

It's Christmas time...an amazing time of family, friends, laughter, love and joy...I love that! 

Who wouldn't?

  

The sharing of fabulous food ; turkey dinners, all the trimmings, cozy brunches, cinnamon spices, jam-jams, shortbread cookies, mandarin oranges, popcorn, cranberries, eggnog and apple cider, chocolate, more chocolate, marshmallows resting in mugs of hot cocoa…steaming. 

Buying Presents; wrapping paper, red and green, silver and gold, ribbons and bows, tags, hand written ’love Santa’, hidden, sneaking, peeking, given freely and received gladly, BIG packages sent in the mail, small sheer bags tied with white ribbon, plates of iced cookies, stockings filled, loaded with love, ripping, unwrapping…gifts.

Christmas carols; Singing loudly “Hark the herald angels sing glory to the new born king”, humming softly, “Silent night Holy night all is calm all is bright”, children swaying, arms rocking “Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little lord Jesus lay down his sweet head, the stars in the bright sky looked down where he lay” and in the choir “Oh come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant”, Solos, “Mary did you know”, and all together, harmony and melody…hallelujah, hallelujah!

Going to gatherings; travelling far or staying close by, home for Christmas, “if only in my dreams” attending church, concerts, sweet shepherd costumes, yellow fluffy tutu’s and dance recitals, praying, laughing, talking and the playing of games, boys skating, decking the halls and staircases, all cozy inside, warm slippers, bear bum red one piece pajamas and roasting chestnuts by the fire… well, who does that anymore?

Christmas movies; Santa Clause and Charlie Browns Christmas, Frosty, Rudolph, the crazy green Elf, the miracle that happened on 34th street, all of those cheesy TV specials, Cindy-lou Who and the grinch who stole Christmas, bells ringing, angel wings...it's a wonderful life!

These are a few of my favorite things, especially at Christmas, tied up with joy.

All of this just brings a smile, a lightening of the heart and soul…heart and soul joy. Joy brings gladness to the hardest of souls… if their heart can be made soft enough to feel it…grace clinches it.  Love is a place where joy and grace meet…in circles of friends, in the safety of families, inside hearts and souls…joy to you.

Love actually is all around, share some of yours! This season look closely, take in the faces around you, smile, say hello, share some joy, show some grace; the greatest gifts we can give and the greatest gifts we have been given.

“From His grace we have received one blessing after another”

John1:16

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…I love that.

This Beautiful Dance

Dancing.

A word that keeps popping up these days in my everyday walking about life; in my reading, in the listening of music, in church, in the hospital and standing in line in the grocery store. Dancing, not in the way you’d think, not in the moving of feet in rhythm, body swaying, no, dancing in the way of thinking, living, doing, being…being better, hoping for more, feeling lighter, spirits lifted…making things better; that even though we may seem to be in the trenches, we need only to change our perspective and change weeping into dancing.

In the wanting of justice, it seems right to stomp around demanding rights but the better thing is to lighten the load and change demanding to dancing.  In breathing, simply breathing; oxygen and blood, pumping moving, dancing…the rhythm of our body.  Cancer?  Yes, a living thing and even though hard and cruel, it brings us to a dancing that brings hope, hope in the healing, hope in the fighting and hope in the loving.  In sadness, the dancing of the soul sways with the heart.

Today marks the loss of my John, five years gone…that day, the darkness of my soul.  This day feeling lighter, but still something missing…I would never have imagined that I would be in this place, in this space, on this road, five years, not a life time but a long time, me making my way through this life, sometimes on my knees but sometimes dancing; swaying back and forth, in and out of the troubles, challenges, accomplishments, sadness, sorrow filled days and joys…dancing.  This loss, a constant swaying from this place to that mountain, dipping down to the valley and sometimes slipping into the trench…thankfully, thankfully I look up to see the stars and the dancing starts again and I live better, do better and change my weeping to dancing.

Thank God for dancing…this beautiful dance with life allows our soul to grow.

“Above all, watch with glittering eyes

the whole world around you, because the greatest secrets are always

hidden in the most unlikely places…

those who don’t believe in ‘dancing’ will never find it.”

Roald Dahl

It's there on the mountaintop

It's there in the everyday and the mundane
There in the sorrow and the dancing
Your great grace
Oh, such grace.

Dancing in His grace...I love that.

Every Story Needs a Final Word

I have had this phrase on my mind these last few days…’Every story needs a final word’. '

Wouldn’t that be perfect?  A final word would finish off the story, the story that you are in right now, the story that happened to you last week, last year, the story that hasn’t finished well.  If only there was a last word, a final word that made the ending better, well, at least better understood.

 

A final word gives clarity; a final word puts an end to the story.  I have a story that I need an ending to, a final word that will make me see the purpose, the reason the story happened in the first place. I need the final word.  Everyone has a story, sometimes we think that our story is the saddest, the hardest…the most difficult to have even survived.  Sometimes our story is the best, the sweetest... more wonderful than anything possible happening to anyone else.  These stories are happening all around us, to our people and other people on the edges. But the only thing that makes their story the most difficult or more wonderful is the final word.  The finish.  What happened next…how did it end?  Is it even over?

John dying was a final word.  His life, touched with amazing grace.  I can’t imagine being at peace with his death if I didn’t understand this final word at the end of his story.

Not all stories end with understanding, we find ourselves struggling to find clarity, to hear the final word, the word that will end what we are going through right now…sometimes we wait 36 years, sometimes we won’t hear the word at all… the never ending story.  What do we do with the never ending story?

We give it to God; it is the only thing we can do…rest in Him, wait on Him, hope in Him; the peace that surpasses all understanding.  Clarity.  My friend calls it a higher power, I call it the Grace of God... the final word to every story.

I love that.

More to it...Priceless

Dear Kelly,  words to a sweet friend who is getting married, soon and very soon... 

Put a Little ZING in it...nothing better than that, right?

I watched a sweet cartoon movie with my grandchildren the other day, it was called Hotel Transylvania!

It was about Dracula's daughter who meets up with a human boy.   It is love at first sight, for both of them.  Their eyes light up and it seems that everything around them stands still…the movie calls it “finding your ZING.”  I love that, who wouldn’t?

  

Love stories are the best, especially the love-at-first -sight ones.

Pretty sure Kelly, that yours was a love-at-first-sight love story! You found your ZING! And it seems that Isaac found his in you.  Two ZINGS and I am pretty sure as well that the whole of Arnold heard the sound of it.

I am so happy for you, what could be better than making plans for living life with a ZING…a gift from God truly, an amazing gift of His grace and joy and love.  Nothing is greater than love!  Finding love for yourself and to have it so equally returned…priceless.

But there is more to living this life than just ZING; we need compassion, strength, encouragement, hope, understanding…and more than that, we need peace beyond all understanding.  This life is hard, there will be ups and downs, wins and failures, there will be losses and mistakes, there will be stuff so hard that your heart will break from the weight of it and there will be joys that take you so high you will melt in the beauty of them.  Laughter, tears, heart ache, compassion, love…

Yes, the greatest of these is love.

One of the ways to keep in this love is to also keep God in your love story, He is the one who gives the peace that surpasses all understanding, He is the one who holds your heart in the palm of His hand, and He is the one who will save you from all your missteps and mistakes. He will pick you up, both of you, in all times, in Zing and out of Zing!

I have kept this quote by Maya Angelou, a sweet reminder to a woman’s soul…she says,

"A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God, that a man 

should have to seek Him to find her”

Remember this, when you are loving Isaac, in this every day breathing and walking about life…remember to love God, the one from whom your ZING came.

You are getting married...I love that!

A Proper Measure

It was my birthday, seems like just the other day...but it was in August; I had the best day, visiting with family and friends from every corner of my small world...each one a gift...the sweetest day.  My children made all the plans and had more in store for me though out the next few days; each one was a gift, as are my children and their children.  I have many blessings, all a measure of God’s amazing grace.

I just had surgery, seems like a life time ago...but it was the beginning of September; now I am nearly recovered, I was so well loved and cared for by my children and so many friends; all of them true gifts of comfort and all a measure of God's loving care.

October 1st was the first anniversary of my Dad's passing, he was a good man with a heart of gold, he was strong and honest, faithful and wise in so many ways...I miss him...he was a good measure of God's compassion and strength. 

Soon... tomorrow, I am heading off to Ontario to enjoy a change of scenery, a change of pace and a change of habits...but mostly to enjoy my little family there, to see how much they have all grown and changed...to share a Thanksgiving meal and to give thanks for all my blessings; to take long walks with; to chat and to laugh.  All of this a measure of God's never ending love.

Today, I am making a re-post of an old one; just over two years ago to be exact, because these are words I needed to hear again; taking a proper measure of God's good gifts...

Stepping Stones 

It was my birthday today, I received notes from friends, old and new, words of blessing, words of wisdom, love and encouragement...all gifts of the heart.  I received a gift or two as well and maybe one more...gifts of the heart and soul, in themselves gifts of God.

Years ago my Dad gave me a gift of words, he told me once, when I was just a girl...I was stepping out into the world and he said,  ‘One step at a time Judy, first you crawl, then you walk and then you can run...one step at a time.”

I have always loved that he told me that, that I have those words to fall back on, to slow down and measure my pace.

Life is a maze of stepping stones, taking you in a direction you should go.  The trick is to step on the right stones. When we first moved into this home, John made a sidewalk all around the house;  embedded in the walkway are red stepping stones placed a certain distance apart... it is hard to walk at a normal pace if you want to step on each one, each step has to be measured.

A friend said to me the other day, be like a scale...balance everything, measure what is good. Yes, but in order to measure something you need to have something to measure against...hopefully it is something good.

Sometimes, I find that God gives you something, it is not yours to keep, it is given in order to see what is possible, to see a glimpse of what He has in store for you.  It is given as a means of measure, to measure all things against, to taste and see and know and wait for it to come for keeps...for you.  It is a gift. 

Life is that kind of gift...wait for it...God gives his children good gifts...I love that.

 I will be measuring all things against that gift...something good...a gift from God.

This is where I stand right now, I am on the road to enjoying life, stepping out and stepping on stones...one step at a time, balancing and measuring good gifts.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above”   James 1:17

I love that.

Great Expectations and Lavishly More

“I remain confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord.”

Psalm 27:13

Life is a mess of circumstances, opportunities, chance encounters, relationships and moments…with family, friends, strangers, co-workers, so-called enemies and loved ones.  I have realized, and this is nothing new, that all of these are complicated with expectations.

   

I have come across a few quotes of expectations, one of them, the same one, is attributed to several people; it is this “If you expect nothing you can never be disappointed.” 

At first glance…true.

Of course, why wouldn’t this be true?

Don’t expect much and you won’t be disappointed.  I was walking along with a friend and he said the same thing to me, in so many words; I agreed…true.  And I found myself wishing that I could please keep this truth in mind!  It seems I am easily lost in my expectations, sadly; disappointment happens…circumstances disappoint and so do people.  I disappoint and so do you, we are not perfect.

Expectations, disappointment, overthinking…all of this ruins you; ruins the situation. Twists things around, makes you worry and makes everything much worse than it actually is…and we become our own worst enemy.

The truth is that, yes expectations are the main cause of most disappointments, but we cannot possibly live this life without expectations, they are the beginning of our hopes and dreams, of our wants and desires, they are the beginning of the fulfilment and satisfaction that living this life needs.  We all have expectations, more than that, we need them.

So I find myself realizing, and this is new, that there is a fine line between not having expectations and needing them.  Drawing a line in the sand, where do I stand…how do I begin to manage the expectation against the need of my hopes and dreams?

Fine lines…this life is full of them; disappointment happens…I can survive; expectations…hope and dreams, I need them.

I am going to draw that line in the sand and make a stand, I am going to try to meet my own expectations, great expectations and I am going to try to hope and dream the very best for me…I am going to expect lavishly more and I am going to remain confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord.

So, that quote attributed to so many people... not true...expect great things!

I love that.

Learning From David

We have been hearing a lot of David these days…these past weeks of Sundays.  Listening, hearing and learning from David. I have done studies on David at other times as well; some of his stories are my favorites; the time he fights Goliath with a slingshot and a stone; when he cuts the corner of Saul’s cape rather than killing him; when he dances in the street worshipping God and even the story of Bathsheba; the story of Solomon his son and of course that he is in fact the line from where Christ comes…who wouldn’t love him, a man after Gods own heart…perfect.

But David is not perfect.

What have I been learning from David, what do I love about him?

I have seen for myself, that life happens in seasons, some are longer than others...and three things I know; life is beautiful; life is hard; and life never stays the same.  I love that we  see all of David's seasons, the good and the bad, the high roads and the low roads.  I love that through it all he relies on God for everything; He cries out to Him in pain and rejoices with Him in thanksgiving.  He weeps and begs and laments, always coming to the knowledge  that God is with Him and even when the bible doesn’t exactly say so, those times of overacting and over reacting; even in those times, he knows he belongs to God, I believe it, I’m sure of it. 

One of the things we do, when we read his story is that we assume that adultery and yes even plotting murder are the worst sins, but the truth is God does not play favorites with sin, to Him, one sin is as bad as another.  The thing that we need to assume is that God loves us no matter what, that He will forgive, He will grant grace, amazing grace.  We simply need to keep Him in the picture.  We need to remember His faith in us.  We need to remember that we can trust Him…that even when we fail in the moment, we can turn and see Him there.  David always turns.

Like it was for David, life is hard, it is a series of challenges and difficulties, choosing responses…but it is also peppered with handfuls of joy…wait for it.

In 2 Samuel, the bible says that God incites David...the same story in Chronicles says that Satan provokes David.  Does God test us and tempt us?  Does He allow Satan to tempt us? Does God want to see how we will respond to any given sin that we find ourselves mixed up in?  Does God allow things to happen to get in the way of anything getting out of control?  Can God at any moment change the circumstances we find ourselves in?  Can God place something in the way of a circumstance from even happening?   Yes, yes and yes.  God can either do anything and everything…or He can’t.

 

About David, God says, “…he will do everything I want him to do.”

For some reason, God was there at David’s side,  guarding all his steps, helping him in his battles, giving him strength and guidance, but sometimes He was not so near…at least it didn’t seem so; battles were not won, strength was sapped and wrong choices were made.  This is how it is for us too, for me…sometimes God allows certain things to happen and in those times I crash.  Sometimes God gets in the way of the thing happening and it is not until hind sight that I realize how He saved me from crashing.  And sometimes, right in the moment, I am in awe at His amazing grace given to a sinner like me.  He is always nearby.

There but for the grace of God go I…

God could have struck David down, dead, like Uzzah, when he handled the ark wrongly, or like Ananias and Sapphira when they held back money.  But, He didn’t, He didn’t strike down David, He offered grace and mercy and tears. 

David was a man after God’s own heart.

I am not perfect, I am a sinner, in some seasons more than others …but more than that, I am a woman after Gods own heart.  He has offered me grace and mercy and He has wept with me. 

This is what I love about David, he is not perfect, yet he is a man after God’s own heart…just like me.

"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect."

2 Samuel 22:33

What I have learned from David is what I know about God.

I love that.

Do You See Him?

I have just recently come back from Ontario, where it was still cold, the leaves were only thinking of peeking out.  The farmers were getting ready to work in their fields, looking up checking the skies.  The tulips were popping, just barely, through the black dirt and the children were threatening bare feet…waiting.  Here, we are over grown with the fullness of spring!

 

The differences amazing, but despite the appearance of the land, the feel of the air or the habits of farmers and children, one thing remains the same, that is the presence of God…He is all around, here and there…I love that!

I have just finished a bible study with some of my friends, it was all about living in the presence of God, looking for Him, expecting Him…seeing Him there. We were encouraged to journal the moments where we saw God, where we were in His presence.  An exercise that I have already been practicing, but mostly from the view of thankfulness; writing down the gifts that come my way every day, filling the moments and ultimately the pages of my journal; loving moments, sad hard moments, yes even there something to be thankful for.  But this assignment was just a bit different...do I see God standing there beside me in the midst of the moments, not only the ones I am thankful for but also the moments that just are?

I began my new challenge looking for God in my every day, ordinary life; my sleeping, eating, going to work and walking around life…I just kept my eyes open.  Waking up in the morning to where I live, listening to the rain, in the phone call from a friend, keeping up with my grandchildren as they ran with my dog, in those I help at the hospital, compassion, people talking, sharing their stories; in the trees blossoming, in the smell of them, in the warmth of the sun; in hard decisions, in the reasoning of them and in the wanting, yes even there…the divine expectation of seeing God right there.  Do you see Him?

In His presence; there He is sitting at the table with my grandchildren enjoying the jumble of their activity, in a simulcast, a set-up…His plan, there He is. Here with my cousins, finishing a lesson. In a movie theatre with Noah; walking around the hospital beds, in and out looking, talking, touching, comforting;  Him sitting on the edge of my chair, in my comfort, giving me comfort, loving me…have you not heard, do you not know?  Do you see Him?

In my rest, I see Him, Him with me as I purposely stay put, in my place in His peace.  I see Him there, with me stretched out over Johns place in the cemetery, tears, peace, quiet, ultimate rest, yes, here He is. He is here too, silently listening to the birds, the water rippling in the warmth of the sun, standing at my window, seeing what I see; around my table wondering about my endless papers and pages and notes.  Him encouraging me in my ‘I’m sorry’ and Him there, watching the moon slipping up through the clouds rising up and up and up…would someone please look up at the moon…Hello God!  Do you see Him?

I see Him in words; In the words of authors of books and articles in newspapers; in the words of a mother entreating Daddy to be sweet to his little girl cause mommy had been dragging her around all day; in the words of a wife encouraging her husband, giving him confirmation, and in the words of little grandchildren running ahead, little legs and arms, heads turning back to me, calling my name; in the words of my daughters prayers, her husbands and her children; I saw Him in the words and music of the Listowel Christian School, sweet sounds that filled the spaces, the cracks and crevices, leaking out through the windows and doors spilling out with the children who go there!  Do you see Him?

Amongst my friends; there He is serving up tea and scones to a table full; with an unforgiving friend, even there, Him telling me to forgive her for she does not know what she is doing; and Him standing just to the right enjoying the same sweet smile I enjoy...the sweetest thing…with every ‘good morning’; and just like the friends walking the road to Emmaus, He joins in, sharing in the moments…tell me, do you see Him?

I see Him, in every word, at every turn, whether in a plane soaring above the mountains, into the clouds, His very space of Heaven or whether it is in His amazing grace, seeing Him, feeling it true, His words, His music, in my space of rest…Him intertwined with me.

Seeing God, living in His presence…I see Him in everything I do, nothing can be done without Him standing by… yes even there.

I love that.