I am Known

I went to Mark Center a week or so ago, the organization had set up rooms in their lodge to be open to the public, small stages set up to encourage intimacy with what is known about God. I had heard about the beauty of this place and I was interested about what I would find there…I viewed the rooms, they were set up in a way of softness, quiet, intimate.  Intimate with God, He was there in spirit, mingling with the saints that gathered one or two at a time in the candle lit rooms.  I enjoyed all the moments, taking in the emotion, the plethora of senses arranged there; scents, sounds, sight, touch…all corresponding with words, words on pages placed in measured spaces as if stepping stones to your soul.  The words themselves were meaningful alone or strung together, meant to be pondered and held, like pearls on a string; enticing thoughts of reflection and relationship…mostly with God but also in our circumstances.  With each footfall through the rooms, up staircases, around corners, through doors, it was thought provoking and it was all heart felt.

 

There were six rooms, the last one, fully lit, calling out to God…thank-you.  Words of thankfulness posted to the large windows, handwritten on small squares of paper, fifty, a hundred, more…thanking God for insight, peace, family, love, confirmation…words written with heart and soul, words touched with grace.

If you didn’t go, I wish you could have been there.

As if that wasn’t enough there was more, an opportunity to be spoken over, to be prayed for; prophets with words from God, to you and to me.  This was what I was waiting for, a friend of mine went last year, he had been blessed and humbled, encouraged and confirmed…I wanted that, I needed that.

Prophets; people gifted with words from God, not foretelling the future but simply repeating words that God has given them about people, His friends in their midst.  I was anxious about the words God knew about me, what they would be…words of rebuke, words of loss, of change, of getting better…perhaps words of generalities, words that could be said for any one of you, simple, plain, black and white? Or, would they be words of meaning, words that I understood, words that only I would know…words of confirmation.

Words that He knows me…that’s what I wanted to hear, that is what I needed to hear.  I was not disappointed, the words told to me were so personal, I cried...truly, truly, I was humbled and blessed, encouraged and confirmed…I am known.

Such an amazing gift to receive this Christmas.

I love that.

Christmas Time...Joy to You

It's Christmas time...an amazing time of family, friends, laughter, love and joy...I love that! 

Who wouldn't?

  

The sharing of fabulous food ; turkey dinners, all the trimmings, cozy brunches, cinnamon spices, jam-jams, shortbread cookies, mandarin oranges, popcorn, cranberries, eggnog and apple cider, chocolate, more chocolate, marshmallows resting in mugs of hot cocoa…steaming. 

Buying Presents; wrapping paper, red and green, silver and gold, ribbons and bows, tags, hand written ’love Santa’, hidden, sneaking, peeking, given freely and received gladly, BIG packages sent in the mail, small sheer bags tied with white ribbon, plates of iced cookies, stockings filled, loaded with love, ripping, unwrapping…gifts.

Christmas carols; Singing loudly “Hark the herald angels sing glory to the new born king”, humming softly, “Silent night Holy night all is calm all is bright”, children swaying, arms rocking “Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little lord Jesus lay down his sweet head, the stars in the bright sky looked down where he lay” and in the choir “Oh come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant”, Solos, “Mary did you know”, and all together, harmony and melody…hallelujah, hallelujah!

Going to gatherings; travelling far or staying close by, home for Christmas, “if only in my dreams” attending church, concerts, sweet shepherd costumes, yellow fluffy tutu’s and dance recitals, praying, laughing, talking and the playing of games, boys skating, decking the halls and staircases, all cozy inside, warm slippers, bear bum red one piece pajamas and roasting chestnuts by the fire… well, who does that anymore?

Christmas movies; Santa Clause and Charlie Browns Christmas, Frosty, Rudolph, the crazy green Elf, the miracle that happened on 34th street, all of those cheesy TV specials, Cindy-lou Who and the grinch who stole Christmas, bells ringing, angel wings...it's a wonderful life!

These are a few of my favorite things, especially at Christmas, tied up with joy.

All of this just brings a smile, a lightening of the heart and soul…heart and soul joy. Joy brings gladness to the hardest of souls… if their heart can be made soft enough to feel it…grace clinches it.  Love is a place where joy and grace meet…in circles of friends, in the safety of families, inside hearts and souls…joy to you.

Love actually is all around, share some of yours! This season look closely, take in the faces around you, smile, say hello, share some joy, show some grace; the greatest gifts we can give and the greatest gifts we have been given.

“From His grace we have received one blessing after another”

John1:16

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…I love that.

This Beautiful Dance

Dancing.

A word that keeps popping up these days in my everyday walking about life; in my reading, in the listening of music, in church, in the hospital and standing in line in the grocery store. Dancing, not in the way you’d think, not in the moving of feet in rhythm, body swaying, no, dancing in the way of thinking, living, doing, being…being better, hoping for more, feeling lighter, spirits lifted…making things better; that even though we may seem to be in the trenches, we need only to change our perspective and change weeping into dancing.

In the wanting of justice, it seems right to stomp around demanding rights but the better thing is to lighten the load and change demanding to dancing.  In breathing, simply breathing; oxygen and blood, pumping moving, dancing…the rhythm of our body.  Cancer?  Yes, a living thing and even though hard and cruel, it brings us to a dancing that brings hope, hope in the healing, hope in the fighting and hope in the loving.  In sadness, the dancing of the soul sways with the heart.

Today marks the loss of my John, five years gone…that day, the darkness of my soul.  This day feeling lighter, but still something missing…I would never have imagined that I would be in this place, in this space, on this road, five years, not a life time but a long time, me making my way through this life, sometimes on my knees but sometimes dancing; swaying back and forth, in and out of the troubles, challenges, accomplishments, sadness, sorrow filled days and joys…dancing.  This loss, a constant swaying from this place to that mountain, dipping down to the valley and sometimes slipping into the trench…thankfully, thankfully I look up to see the stars and the dancing starts again and I live better, do better and change my weeping to dancing.

Thank God for dancing…this beautiful dance with life allows our soul to grow.

“Above all, watch with glittering eyes

the whole world around you, because the greatest secrets are always

hidden in the most unlikely places…

those who don’t believe in ‘dancing’ will never find it.”

Roald Dahl

It's there on the mountaintop

It's there in the everyday and the mundane
There in the sorrow and the dancing
Your great grace
Oh, such grace.

Dancing in His grace...I love that.

Every Story Needs a Final Word

I have had this phrase on my mind these last few days…’Every story needs a final word’. '

Wouldn’t that be perfect?  A final word would finish off the story, the story that you are in right now, the story that happened to you last week, last year, the story that hasn’t finished well.  If only there was a last word, a final word that made the ending better, well, at least better understood.

 

A final word gives clarity; a final word puts an end to the story.  I have a story that I need an ending to, a final word that will make me see the purpose, the reason the story happened in the first place. I need the final word.  Everyone has a story, sometimes we think that our story is the saddest, the hardest…the most difficult to have even survived.  Sometimes our story is the best, the sweetest... more wonderful than anything possible happening to anyone else.  These stories are happening all around us, to our people and other people on the edges. But the only thing that makes their story the most difficult or more wonderful is the final word.  The finish.  What happened next…how did it end?  Is it even over?

John dying was a final word.  His life, touched with amazing grace.  I can’t imagine being at peace with his death if I didn’t understand this final word at the end of his story.

Not all stories end with understanding, we find ourselves struggling to find clarity, to hear the final word, the word that will end what we are going through right now…sometimes we wait 36 years, sometimes we won’t hear the word at all… the never ending story.  What do we do with the never ending story?

We give it to God; it is the only thing we can do…rest in Him, wait on Him, hope in Him; the peace that surpasses all understanding.  Clarity.  My friend calls it a higher power, I call it the Grace of God... the final word to every story.

I love that.

More to it...Priceless

Dear Kelly,  words to a sweet friend who is getting married, soon and very soon... 

Put a Little ZING in it...nothing better than that, right?

I watched a sweet cartoon movie with my grandchildren the other day, it was called Hotel Transylvania!

It was about Dracula's daughter who meets up with a human boy.   It is love at first sight, for both of them.  Their eyes light up and it seems that everything around them stands still…the movie calls it “finding your ZING.”  I love that, who wouldn’t?

  

Love stories are the best, especially the love-at-first -sight ones.

Pretty sure Kelly, that yours was a love-at-first-sight love story! You found your ZING! And it seems that Isaac found his in you.  Two ZINGS and I am pretty sure as well that the whole of Arnold heard the sound of it.

I am so happy for you, what could be better than making plans for living life with a ZING…a gift from God truly, an amazing gift of His grace and joy and love.  Nothing is greater than love!  Finding love for yourself and to have it so equally returned…priceless.

But there is more to living this life than just ZING; we need compassion, strength, encouragement, hope, understanding…and more than that, we need peace beyond all understanding.  This life is hard, there will be ups and downs, wins and failures, there will be losses and mistakes, there will be stuff so hard that your heart will break from the weight of it and there will be joys that take you so high you will melt in the beauty of them.  Laughter, tears, heart ache, compassion, love…

Yes, the greatest of these is love.

One of the ways to keep in this love is to also keep God in your love story, He is the one who gives the peace that surpasses all understanding, He is the one who holds your heart in the palm of His hand, and He is the one who will save you from all your missteps and mistakes. He will pick you up, both of you, in all times, in Zing and out of Zing!

I have kept this quote by Maya Angelou, a sweet reminder to a woman’s soul…she says,

"A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God, that a man 

should have to seek Him to find her”

Remember this, when you are loving Isaac, in this every day breathing and walking about life…remember to love God, the one from whom your ZING came.

You are getting married...I love that!

A Proper Measure

It was my birthday, seems like just the other day...but it was in August; I had the best day, visiting with family and friends from every corner of my small world...each one a gift...the sweetest day.  My children made all the plans and had more in store for me though out the next few days; each one was a gift, as are my children and their children.  I have many blessings, all a measure of God’s amazing grace.

I just had surgery, seems like a life time ago...but it was the beginning of September; now I am nearly recovered, I was so well loved and cared for by my children and so many friends; all of them true gifts of comfort and all a measure of God's loving care.

October 1st was the first anniversary of my Dad's passing, he was a good man with a heart of gold, he was strong and honest, faithful and wise in so many ways...I miss him...he was a good measure of God's compassion and strength. 

Soon... tomorrow, I am heading off to Ontario to enjoy a change of scenery, a change of pace and a change of habits...but mostly to enjoy my little family there, to see how much they have all grown and changed...to share a Thanksgiving meal and to give thanks for all my blessings; to take long walks with; to chat and to laugh.  All of this a measure of God's never ending love.

Today, I am making a re-post of an old one; just over two years ago to be exact, because these are words I needed to hear again; taking a proper measure of God's good gifts...

Stepping Stones 

It was my birthday today, I received notes from friends, old and new, words of blessing, words of wisdom, love and encouragement...all gifts of the heart.  I received a gift or two as well and maybe one more...gifts of the heart and soul, in themselves gifts of God.

Years ago my Dad gave me a gift of words, he told me once, when I was just a girl...I was stepping out into the world and he said,  ‘One step at a time Judy, first you crawl, then you walk and then you can run...one step at a time.”

I have always loved that he told me that, that I have those words to fall back on, to slow down and measure my pace.

Life is a maze of stepping stones, taking you in a direction you should go.  The trick is to step on the right stones. When we first moved into this home, John made a sidewalk all around the house;  embedded in the walkway are red stepping stones placed a certain distance apart... it is hard to walk at a normal pace if you want to step on each one, each step has to be measured.

A friend said to me the other day, be like a scale...balance everything, measure what is good. Yes, but in order to measure something you need to have something to measure against...hopefully it is something good.

Sometimes, I find that God gives you something, it is not yours to keep, it is given in order to see what is possible, to see a glimpse of what He has in store for you.  It is given as a means of measure, to measure all things against, to taste and see and know and wait for it to come for keeps...for you.  It is a gift. 

Life is that kind of gift...wait for it...God gives his children good gifts...I love that.

 I will be measuring all things against that gift...something good...a gift from God.

This is where I stand right now, I am on the road to enjoying life, stepping out and stepping on stones...one step at a time, balancing and measuring good gifts.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above”   James 1:17

I love that.

Great Expectations and Lavishly More

“I remain confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord.”

Psalm 27:13

Life is a mess of circumstances, opportunities, chance encounters, relationships and moments…with family, friends, strangers, co-workers, so-called enemies and loved ones.  I have realized, and this is nothing new, that all of these are complicated with expectations.

   

I have come across a few quotes of expectations, one of them, the same one, is attributed to several people; it is this “If you expect nothing you can never be disappointed.” 

At first glance…true.

Of course, why wouldn’t this be true?

Don’t expect much and you won’t be disappointed.  I was walking along with a friend and he said the same thing to me, in so many words; I agreed…true.  And I found myself wishing that I could please keep this truth in mind!  It seems I am easily lost in my expectations, sadly; disappointment happens…circumstances disappoint and so do people.  I disappoint and so do you, we are not perfect.

Expectations, disappointment, overthinking…all of this ruins you; ruins the situation. Twists things around, makes you worry and makes everything much worse than it actually is…and we become our own worst enemy.

The truth is that, yes expectations are the main cause of most disappointments, but we cannot possibly live this life without expectations, they are the beginning of our hopes and dreams, of our wants and desires, they are the beginning of the fulfilment and satisfaction that living this life needs.  We all have expectations, more than that, we need them.

So I find myself realizing, and this is new, that there is a fine line between not having expectations and needing them.  Drawing a line in the sand, where do I stand…how do I begin to manage the expectation against the need of my hopes and dreams?

Fine lines…this life is full of them; disappointment happens…I can survive; expectations…hope and dreams, I need them.

I am going to draw that line in the sand and make a stand, I am going to try to meet my own expectations, great expectations and I am going to try to hope and dream the very best for me…I am going to expect lavishly more and I am going to remain confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord.

So, that quote attributed to so many people... not true...expect great things!

I love that.

Learning From David

We have been hearing a lot of David these days…these past weeks of Sundays.  Listening, hearing and learning from David. I have done studies on David at other times as well; some of his stories are my favorites; the time he fights Goliath with a slingshot and a stone; when he cuts the corner of Saul’s cape rather than killing him; when he dances in the street worshipping God and even the story of Bathsheba; the story of Solomon his son and of course that he is in fact the line from where Christ comes…who wouldn’t love him, a man after Gods own heart…perfect.

But David is not perfect.

What have I been learning from David, what do I love about him?

I have seen for myself, that life happens in seasons, some are longer than others...and three things I know; life is beautiful; life is hard; and life never stays the same.  I love that we  see all of David's seasons, the good and the bad, the high roads and the low roads.  I love that through it all he relies on God for everything; He cries out to Him in pain and rejoices with Him in thanksgiving.  He weeps and begs and laments, always coming to the knowledge  that God is with Him and even when the bible doesn’t exactly say so, those times of overacting and over reacting; even in those times, he knows he belongs to God, I believe it, I’m sure of it. 

One of the things we do, when we read his story is that we assume that adultery and yes even plotting murder are the worst sins, but the truth is God does not play favorites with sin, to Him, one sin is as bad as another.  The thing that we need to assume is that God loves us no matter what, that He will forgive, He will grant grace, amazing grace.  We simply need to keep Him in the picture.  We need to remember His faith in us.  We need to remember that we can trust Him…that even when we fail in the moment, we can turn and see Him there.  David always turns.

Like it was for David, life is hard, it is a series of challenges and difficulties, choosing responses…but it is also peppered with handfuls of joy…wait for it.

In 2 Samuel, the bible says that God incites David...the same story in Chronicles says that Satan provokes David.  Does God test us and tempt us?  Does He allow Satan to tempt us? Does God want to see how we will respond to any given sin that we find ourselves mixed up in?  Does God allow things to happen to get in the way of anything getting out of control?  Can God at any moment change the circumstances we find ourselves in?  Can God place something in the way of a circumstance from even happening?   Yes, yes and yes.  God can either do anything and everything…or He can’t.

 

About David, God says, “…he will do everything I want him to do.”

For some reason, God was there at David’s side,  guarding all his steps, helping him in his battles, giving him strength and guidance, but sometimes He was not so near…at least it didn’t seem so; battles were not won, strength was sapped and wrong choices were made.  This is how it is for us too, for me…sometimes God allows certain things to happen and in those times I crash.  Sometimes God gets in the way of the thing happening and it is not until hind sight that I realize how He saved me from crashing.  And sometimes, right in the moment, I am in awe at His amazing grace given to a sinner like me.  He is always nearby.

There but for the grace of God go I…

God could have struck David down, dead, like Uzzah, when he handled the ark wrongly, or like Ananias and Sapphira when they held back money.  But, He didn’t, He didn’t strike down David, He offered grace and mercy and tears. 

David was a man after God’s own heart.

I am not perfect, I am a sinner, in some seasons more than others …but more than that, I am a woman after Gods own heart.  He has offered me grace and mercy and He has wept with me. 

This is what I love about David, he is not perfect, yet he is a man after God’s own heart…just like me.

"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect."

2 Samuel 22:33

What I have learned from David is what I know about God.

I love that.

Do You See Him?

I have just recently come back from Ontario, where it was still cold, the leaves were only thinking of peeking out.  The farmers were getting ready to work in their fields, looking up checking the skies.  The tulips were popping, just barely, through the black dirt and the children were threatening bare feet…waiting.  Here, we are over grown with the fullness of spring!

 

The differences amazing, but despite the appearance of the land, the feel of the air or the habits of farmers and children, one thing remains the same, that is the presence of God…He is all around, here and there…I love that!

I have just finished a bible study with some of my friends, it was all about living in the presence of God, looking for Him, expecting Him…seeing Him there. We were encouraged to journal the moments where we saw God, where we were in His presence.  An exercise that I have already been practicing, but mostly from the view of thankfulness; writing down the gifts that come my way every day, filling the moments and ultimately the pages of my journal; loving moments, sad hard moments, yes even there something to be thankful for.  But this assignment was just a bit different...do I see God standing there beside me in the midst of the moments, not only the ones I am thankful for but also the moments that just are?

I began my new challenge looking for God in my every day, ordinary life; my sleeping, eating, going to work and walking around life…I just kept my eyes open.  Waking up in the morning to where I live, listening to the rain, in the phone call from a friend, keeping up with my grandchildren as they ran with my dog, in those I help at the hospital, compassion, people talking, sharing their stories; in the trees blossoming, in the smell of them, in the warmth of the sun; in hard decisions, in the reasoning of them and in the wanting, yes even there…the divine expectation of seeing God right there.  Do you see Him?

In His presence; there He is sitting at the table with my grandchildren enjoying the jumble of their activity, in a simulcast, a set-up…His plan, there He is. Here with my cousins, finishing a lesson. In a movie theatre with Noah; walking around the hospital beds, in and out looking, talking, touching, comforting;  Him sitting on the edge of my chair, in my comfort, giving me comfort, loving me…have you not heard, do you not know?  Do you see Him?

In my rest, I see Him, Him with me as I purposely stay put, in my place in His peace.  I see Him there, with me stretched out over Johns place in the cemetery, tears, peace, quiet, ultimate rest, yes, here He is. He is here too, silently listening to the birds, the water rippling in the warmth of the sun, standing at my window, seeing what I see; around my table wondering about my endless papers and pages and notes.  Him encouraging me in my ‘I’m sorry’ and Him there, watching the moon slipping up through the clouds rising up and up and up…would someone please look up at the moon…Hello God!  Do you see Him?

I see Him in words; In the words of authors of books and articles in newspapers; in the words of a mother entreating Daddy to be sweet to his little girl cause mommy had been dragging her around all day; in the words of a wife encouraging her husband, giving him confirmation, and in the words of little grandchildren running ahead, little legs and arms, heads turning back to me, calling my name; in the words of my daughters prayers, her husbands and her children; I saw Him in the words and music of the Listowel Christian School, sweet sounds that filled the spaces, the cracks and crevices, leaking out through the windows and doors spilling out with the children who go there!  Do you see Him?

Amongst my friends; there He is serving up tea and scones to a table full; with an unforgiving friend, even there, Him telling me to forgive her for she does not know what she is doing; and Him standing just to the right enjoying the same sweet smile I enjoy...the sweetest thing…with every ‘good morning’; and just like the friends walking the road to Emmaus, He joins in, sharing in the moments…tell me, do you see Him?

I see Him, in every word, at every turn, whether in a plane soaring above the mountains, into the clouds, His very space of Heaven or whether it is in His amazing grace, seeing Him, feeling it true, His words, His music, in my space of rest…Him intertwined with me.

Seeing God, living in His presence…I see Him in everything I do, nothing can be done without Him standing by… yes even there.

I love that.

At the Proper Time

Friends talking, preaching, hoping, praying, washing feet, breaking bread, drinking this in my name, amazing grace, blood sweat and tears, friends sleeping, a kiss, betrayal, thorns, spit, a cross, nails, death, darkness, curtains ripping, sun darkening, a tomb, a stone...rolling away, empty, beyond expectations...new life; He lives!

Friends, why so sad, wake up!  I have just been to the tomb, the tomb is empty, He lives; I have spoken to Him; Jesus is alive…let’s rejoice!

Amazing grace.

I was in the Easter service this morning…I was supposed to be in the early service and in the second service; accidents happen, that's what my son said.  Last night we had the practice; all the children, signs, flowers, streamers, happy faces singing and me…me, forgetting my words; feeling sad, betrayed by my own memory!  When the time was done, I asked the children to pray for me, that I might remember my words; they all assured me they would, pray, hard. I asked some friends to pray too, some gave encouragement, some brought paska, late at night, in their pajamas.

So the morning came and I was ready, more than ready, prepared, prayed over and in costume, I only needed to wait for the proper time.  The proper time, ahh, but not the right time; a phone call, where are you?  I missed the first service, betrayed by my own mind, yes late for the show!

But all was not lost, I was forgiven and the fact remains God does not need a perfect program to portray his message, He simply needs imperfect people to share His message…and I did, in the second service.

Here are my words…said in the character of Mary Magdalene in front of the children who had just sang Oh Happy Day while waving their streamers and flags with happy faces and the congregation of the second service…perfect.

The Easter lily, isn't it beautiful, tradition says that these flowers sprang up in the field around the place where Jesus died on the cross. The  bulb, the seed that grows a lily, it looks dead, but it’s not; once it is buried in the ground, in just a few days, it will come to life and in the proper time it will spring up into this beautiful lily. This reminds us of Jesus…He had to die on the cross and He had to be buried in a tomb…but He didn’t stay dead.  In just three days He came back to life.  He rose to heaven…and in the proper time He will come again.

Everything about this flower tells the story of Jesus.

The lily has the sweetest scent…the bible says that Jesus is a sweet aroma like a lily.

Its petals are perfect white…white as snow…like Jesus who has no sin.

The flower is the shape of a trumpet…a trumpet calling out the good news…this is the day the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Yes, the good news, God loved us so much, that He sent His only son to die for us, to save us from our sins and to make a way for eternal life…

Jesus and new life, He wants us to live a new life.

Bury His seed in your heart, and He will live in you…and in the proper time 

we all will live with Him forever.

Today we celebrate and rejoice that…yes…Jesus lives!

Amazing Grace.

I love that.

I am Second

Life is full of choices, sometimes it is really easy to make the right one, sometimes it is not and lives are affected, I am affected.  I truly wish that I would always make the right choice, do the right thing, not hurt anyone, leave everything unaffected, but here I go again, I do it over and over, when will I ever learn!

But, I am an overcomer, I figure it out, I always figure it out.

 

I watched the cutest little video the other day, a little girl was meeting her new baby sister for the first time, admiring her, loving her, touching her; when the baby began to cry, the little girl sat back clapping her hands together in the amazement of it.  Then the little girl looked down at her baby sister, and looking deep into her face she said, “You okay, you okay, you okay.  You fine, you fine, you fine…” She never stopped, encouraging, loving, confirming safety to her new baby sister, that all will be well. 

This is how I feel; covered, as if there is someone hovering over me, in the deepest, loving way; confirming that all will be well… you okay, you okay, you fine, you fine. What a comfort, such an amazing little phrase of encouragement, little splashes of confirmation, yes, I will be okay.  When I hear them spoken in the spaces around me, little flutters of joy, my face breaks out in smile, and I know I will be fine.  I wrote these words on the wall in my room, so that even in my everyday going about, being busy and also not so busy times, the down times, I will be reminded.

Being reminded; reminded of just one more thing, life is not all about me; there’s a surprise, what was I thinking, why do I get caught up in that every time? Well not every time, certainly not always, but sometimes.  Everyone does at some time or other, but the fact is, none of it is about us.  Life is about how we respond to it.  Seems simple doesn’t it, responding to life; life given us by the grace of God, God in us, God’s story, us in it…how then will we live, how then will I live? 

How I need to live, is to decide to be second in every story, with every friend, in every relationship, giving all of my people and even those on the edges of my circle; consideration, patience, persevering with them, enduring with them, loving them…all of these before my needs, giving, giving always gets; getting more in return, more than a person ever bargained for. Yes, I want that.  But more than that; God first, I want that. 

How I want to live, how I need to live is all dependent on where I place God, His word, His story…that will be first; God first, me second.

Yes, this is the way, walk in it, but the gate is narrow and the way is hard…yes, I know this, but I am okay, I am fine, I am second.

I love that.

What Did I Find at the Sea?

"For whatever we lose (like a you or a me) it’s always ourselves we find at the sea."

ee cummings

I had a dream not that long ago, shortly after I moved in to my lake house, a dream of water rolling over and over; I couldn’t see me, just the water, yet, I was somehow in the midst of it, not overcome by it, certainly not drowning nor even struggling, just in it, peaceful somehow.  Changed, maybe…or maybe found; yes, found I think.

When I was in Mexico, my last night there, I was taking in the beginnings of a storm, the sky growing dark, waves of the sea splashing up and over the rocks that lay just a few steps away; feeling the spray.  I was in conversation with a young woman, a friend I had made, her husband sat nearby with the babies hushing them to sleep.  We talked about many things, hard things, life, death; I shared with her the story of John and she was amazed, her eyes searched my soul, deep and after a time, asked... “How have you been changed?”  I was affected by her question, not that I didn’t know the answer but that I felt like it wasn’t her asking the question…I told her, I have seen the grace of God and every moment of every day I see glimpses of Him, His grace, His beauty; everything I do is intertwined with Him and…and I am living a brave new life.

True, even in the midst of mistakes I have made, even in the midst of brokenness and loss, even in spite of my everyday walking about life I can see the beauty, even in the bad.  I love that.

I am not perfect.

I am a sinner.

There have been times in my life; one or two things that happened to me that I never told John, I have never told my children; one or two things, that I am not proud of, but I have done them.  I have confessed them to God, oh yes, He knows, He was right there when they happened.  I love knowing that, God with me, standing beside me, knowing, watching, weeping…right there with me; amazing Grace even then, even in those days and yes even now, even in this…this walking about everyday life.

I’ve heard it said that confession is everything, confess to one another, yes, I get that, I believe it.  Christ said, go and tell everyone what has happened to you.  But sometimes He said, now go and tell no one, I believe that too, some things are between Him and me.

If I were to tell you just this one thing about myself, surely you would say “this must be your greatest sin.”  We think it is about our greatest sin, but God doesn’t care about our greatest sin.  What He cares about is what we do with it…where do we go from there…what do we do with our mistakes, our brokenness, our loss?  How will it change us, how has it changed me?   I have let Him help me work it out , those days and especially these days; I have looked for God’s grace…I have been changed and I see that which could be my greatest sin is in fact my greatest gift;  amazing grace.

So I am not perfect, I want to be, I really do, but it’s not going to happen, not on this side of eternity.  Yes, we are made in God’s image but all have fallen short, you and I, yet there is hope in our stories of brokenness and loss.

Grace was made for people like me, and for people like you, how perfect is that?

What did I find at the sea?  I found me…changed; changed over time, I’m not who I have been.

I love that.

Words Can Change a Mind

“The heart is not so easily changed but the head can be persuaded”

from the movie Frozen

I just love these words, a heart loves who it loves, it is difficult to change that but the head, that’s another story, words can change a mind…I love that.

I just came home from an amazing little holiday in Mexico, solo…I had the best time…snorkeling, swimming, scuba diving, eating, talking, reading, sleeping, simply doing whatever I wanted…yes, amazing!

On the way home I watched a movie that my granddaughters have been obsessed with and I thought, ‘here is my chance.’  Frozen, a really sweet Disney movie about love, true love… and yes a kiss is needed.  Of course I love that, who wouldn’t?  But here is the twist, it is not the love of Prince Charming, his sweet kiss, but the love found between sisters, the love of family, true love.  And it is this love that saves the day…perfect.

This little movie has all sorts of trouble, just like my life; just like yours; trouble, trouble, boil and bubble…will we ever really be out of it?  Sometimes we are and it seems like sweet sailing, life is good, look at me!  But then a storm comes out of nowhere, it seems like these rough waves will never end, life is hard, save me!  Sometimes, we don’t even know we are in trouble and it seems like easy street, life is a masquerade, it all depends on me!

It all depends on me…lonely words, don’t you think?  I liked Rob’s sermon this morning, talking about fools and correction, teaching and being reminded, being open to the advice of others, being open to change. This little movie was about that too, a sister who thought she could not be changed, that she could not be loved, that she was not redeemable and it was about another sister who was trying to convince that all these could be true, that indeed they were true…and that she was worth the convincing.

I have had all of these thoughts today, about God’s word, the story of David, Nabal and Abigail, a story of poor decisions, life, trouble, correction and what it takes to change direction all in the midst of a Disney movie…how simple is that. 

In the midst of my trouble, I want to know God’s grace, I want to be teachable and I want someone to come alongside me to remind me of who I am, to convince me that I am worth it, to help me see that I am heading for open seas, to let me know it would be better to turn around to safer waters.  Yes, I want someone like that to save my day.  But someone like that needs to do it all out of love and this in the end is the only way.

The greatest of these is love; Jesus says these words, given as a gift, an instruction, important above all to living, to living in the midst of this life, an instruction that puts focus on a response that in the end will always save the day.  Words said in love can change a mind.

I love that.

Even the Bad is Beautiful

I watched Cinderella with Anna and Sara the other night, all snuggled up on the couch eating popcorn; at that moment everything was good in the world...with all of this beside me and Cinderella in front of me, how could it not be so.  

Cinderella says “A dream is a wish your heart makes”

I love that; the sweetest words.  Dreaming and wishing and hoping and praying ; hearts talking.

Wouldn’t it be so great if all our wishes came true; if we had all the things our heart desired, I would love that.  But Jesus said there would be trouble…He said that we would have trouble.  And we do, the whole of the world is filled with trouble.  Once we hear a story we think, how terrible, nothing could be worse than that…nothing could be sadder than that…nothing could be harder than that and then, there it is, something worse, something harder, something sadder…more trouble.

Life is hard, we all have stories; hard knocks, disaster, loss, death…this is what life is.  No, it wasn’t intended to be that way but it is. How to deal with it?  How to survive? How to come out of all this trouble with something good?

Last week I read three stories on the same day not knowing that they would be the same story, one was about the oldest Holocaust survivor, Alice Herz Sommer, she died that day…one was about Dean Koontz, a well known author of horror and mystery books, he was interviewed that day. And the other one was from Max Lucado; I read the last chapter of his book that day.

Alice survived the holocaust, she died after having lived a long life, all quiet in her bed, but in her living she suffered immeasurably, witnessed horror, and lost a life of innocence and wealth, but this is what she said,  “Even in very difficult situations there are beautiful moments, it doesn’t exist in our world only bad.  Even the bad is beautiful I would say…even the bad is beautiful…it has to be.  Be aware of the beauty of life.”

In the midst of my hard stories, I don’t see the beauty right away but eventually I do…I do.

My sister was reading Dean Koontz and asked me if he could be a Christian, she said his books are threaded with ideas and thoughts and patterns of faith…so I searched out his story for her and found trouble.  Dean was raised in the United Church but he was abused by his father, he suffered immeasurably, witnessed violence and lost a life of innocence in poverty.  This is what he said, “Everything you go through in life is meant to instruct you.  Eventually you realize that your experiences are lessons to help you understand the meaning and purpose to your existence.  As a boy, I yearned for a normal life, but later I understood that the darkness of my childhood was in a strange way a gift.  The benefit was to show me that there is evil in the world and that you have to find your way through it, reject it and find other ways to live, and not let it destroy you…life isn’t all about want and suffering.  My life has shown me that evil can win in the short run, but it never wins in the long run.”

In the midst of my story I often think that trouble is winning but never for long… soon, I find the gift…I do.

Max Lucado’s book is all about trouble and how to get through it, he especially uses the story of Joseph.  Genesis 39-50 tells the story; Joseph is thrown into a pit, left to die, sold out by his brothers…for 20 years he is lost to his family. This is what he said, when he comes up in front of his brothers, “Don’t be afraid.  Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

But God intended it for good, I don’t always understand God’s intentions but I try to see the good…I do.

I feel honored to have read these three stories, especially all at once; it validates the fact that we all have our stories, that even though they are momentary in the light of eternity, they are meaningful.

More than dreams and wishes, wouldn’t it be great if we all could understand our experiences in these ways... intentionally finding the beauty in the bad, discovering the gift from evil and seeing the good out of the harm...yes.

Max Lucado calls it  evil. god.good.

I love that.

This is How Love Wins

The place where shame and grace collide...how amazing.

I love that.

Gone With the Wind

“You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows”

Bob Dylan

I watched the sky move last night, after the rain stopped the clouds lifted and drifted off; the stars poked out and laid out all around them was the blackness of the space beyond…amazing night.

Amazing how things can change so quickly, I was just hunkering down for a good winter storm and out come the stars!

I watched the sky…clouds skiffing by, teasing the stars masquerading as will-o-wisps, dancing past, rearranging themselves into living creatures, angels, animals, lions, bears; silent, still, but on the move.  Soundless roars, paws lifted, morphing into waves, waves of ocean spray rolling over each other like the bottom of Niagra Falls, rushing, blowing in the wind, filling in the black empty spaces that are now gone with the wind.

Amazing how things can change so quickly, like the blink of an eye really, here today, gone tomorrow…life changes too, just like that…in the blink of an eye.

I watched ‘Gone with the Wind’ this past week, there had been some talk in our Bible study about it, in fact a bit of it was used by the author of the study we are in the midst of and I wanted to see what the reference was about, maybe settle a bit of the controversy that had crept up around it.  I watched the whole four hours, well, broken between two evenings, I loved it; I could hardly wait for the next evening when I could continue the saga.   What I found was a story of a young woman whose life is in constant change and how she makes her way through the challenges, how sometimes she is the blame for the changes and how sometimes she has no control at all, her world is caught up in winds of change…changing in a way that things will never be the same again…her world, gone with the wind.

It is this way for us too, some changes we have no control over, yet we need to make responses while living in the midst of it; the wind blowing all around us.  Have you ever been out in the wind and your breath seems to be sucked from you and you gasp, feeling caught up, lost in the wind, your very breath, gone with the wind? 

I have, I know the feeling and I know this…I need to stand, to simply stand, the breath comes back and I carry on through the storm. 

Some circumstances are beyond our control; whether it is war, sickness or death, fire, flood or wind…stand your ground.

“Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day comes,

you may be able to stand your ground and after you have done everything, just stand”

Ephesians 6:13

So, I watched the sky move, I wondered about the rain… gone for the moment; the stars twinkling bright, the clouds rolling past, blowing in the wind…God whispering good night.

I love that.

A Man Changed

Nothing ever stays the same, sometimes we love that, sometimes we yearn for change, and we beg God for it.  God, help me to get out of this circumstance, please give me a different life, couldn’t I please live in a more beautiful house, a bigger town, a better weather pattern…God, please give me something different…I need a change!

Sometimes we want people to change, we want a better life and we beg God for it.  God, please change my spouse, change the attitude of my children, please help change the heart of this stubborn person…God please change me!

Yes, we sometimes want change because we are in a rut, sometimes because we are sad, sometimes because we are hurt, and sometimes we want change so that our life will be perfect…perfect in our eyes, yes a change is as good as a rest. 

Sometimes we don’t want change at all, sometimes we want everything to stay the same, saying things like; this is the way I like it, don’t fix it if it ain’t broken, please just leave it as it is, this is perfect as is and in angry voices we say, don’t change anything, just leave it!

Sometimes change happens so slowly that we don’t even realize anything changed, until someone points it out…do you remember when things were this way?

Sometimes change catches us off guard, we didn’t expect it and it affects our heart and soul, sometimes in an awesome amazing way, in a way that we can’t believe our good fortune, our heart cannot contain the joy; a new baby, a new job, a wedding, a marriage, a new life.  

Sometimes change catches us off guard and it affects our heart and soul in a way that we can barely breathe, tears flow, hearts break, souls hurt  and we can clearly see that things will never be the same again…ever.

 

John’s Dad has been in hospital care for well over a month, he has just been moved to a care home, we are hoping that he will be able to be moved to the place where he has enjoyed life for the last few years…we are hoping.  He is not sick, he does not need all sorts of medication, he is not on any life support, but he needs help to do the basic things, necessary things to make him comfortable.  He has changed. Before he went into the hospital my son brought him out for a visit and we saw him changed,  ”Mom something is different about Grampa...”

When a man changes it is noticed. 

Dad was known to all of us as a man with a definite outlook; he was steadfast in his views, holding them tight; whether it was the views of his faith, politics or family life.  He was a hard worker, always on the lookout for a job to do, sometimes to make money, sometimes to be important. He very often was outspoken, stating his views to the world, once in a while he looked out for the other guy and stepped in to help but not always. He was a man of pride and strength, steel and iron…he had a hard knocks life but he also was the father and grandfather of many blessings, sometimes he didn’t know it, at least he didn’t speak it, but deep inside I believe he knew it. 

He was a hard boss, a hard father and a hard husband for most of the years that I have known him but I saw him change.  When John was dying, he came near to him and asked for forgiveness, a hard thing to say, a hard thing to do…a father changed.  Before John, he lost other loved ones, his grandson, his youngest son, his wife, his brother; a lot of loss, a lot of tears…tears soften the soul.  Dad changed, a softer man, a softer heart, I saw that, I know that.  

But now, Dad has changed again, after suffering a small stroke, his heart has softened more, along with his soul.  He is sweeter, he doesn’t know he is sweeter, it might even make him mad if he did, but he is, he is changed.  He doesn’t know everyone anymore, some he calls by the wrong name, some names he can’t recall at all, he can’t understand where he is…but his face lights up when he sees a face he knows, he can still play the piano, he smiles at remembering something, and sometimes his eyes glass over and a tear falls.

This is a new life for him and for us…a man changed.

Nothing ever stays the same.