Thursday, 3 April 2014

What Did I Find at the Sea?

"For whatever we lose (like a you or a me) it’s always ourselves we find at the sea."
ee cummings

I had a dream not that long ago, shortly after I moved in to my lake house, a dream of water rolling over and over; I couldn’t see me, just the water, yet, I was somehow in the midst of it, not overcome by it, certainly not drowning nor even struggling, just in it, peaceful somehow.  Changed, maybe…or maybe found; yes, found I think.

When I was in Mexico, my last night there, I was taking in the beginnings of a storm, the sky growing dark, waves of the sea splashing up and over the rocks that lay just a few steps away; feeling the spray.  I was in conversation with a young woman, a friend I had made, her husband sat nearby with the babies hushing them to sleep.  We talked about many things, hard things, life, death; I shared with her the story of John and she was amazed, her eyes searched my soul, deep and after a time, asked... “How have you been changed?”  I was affected by her question, not that I didn’t know the answer but that I felt like it wasn’t her asking the question…I told her, I have seen the grace of God and every moment of every day I see glimpses of Him, His grace, His beauty; everything I do is intertwined with Him and…and I am living a brave new life.

True, even in the midst of mistakes I have made, even in the midst of brokenness and loss, even in spite of my everyday walking about life I can see the beauty, even in the bad.  I love that.

I am not perfect.

I am a sinner.

There have been times in my life; one or two things that happened to me that I never told John, I have never told my children; one or two things, that I am not proud of, but I have done them.  I have confessed them to God, oh yes, He knows, He was right there when they happened.  I love knowing that, God with me, standing beside me, knowing, watching, weeping…right there with me; amazing Grace even then, even in those days and yes even now, even in this…this walking about everyday life.

I’ve heard it said that confession is everything, confess to one another, yes, I get that, I believe it.  Christ said, go and tell everyone what has happened to you.  But sometimes He said, now go and tell no one, I believe that too, some things are between Him and me.

If I were to tell you just this one thing about myself, surely you would say “this must be your greatest sin.”  We think it is about our greatest sin, but God doesn’t care about our greatest sin.  What He cares about is what we do with it…where do we go from there…what do we do with our mistakes, our brokenness, our loss?  How will it change us, how has it changed me?   I have let Him help me work it out , those days and especially these days; I have looked for God’s grace…I have been changed and I see that which could be my greatest sin is in fact my greatest gift;  amazing grace.

So I am not perfect, I want to be, I really do, but it’s not going to happen, not on this side of eternity.  Yes, we are made in God’s image but all have fallen short, you and I, yet there is hope in our stories of brokenness and loss.

Grace was made for people like me, and for people like you, how perfect is that?

What did I find at the sea?  I found me…changed; changed over time, I’m not who I have been.

I love that.