The Lifesaver

Today I fell.

Yes, all the way down.

I was walking down the hallway, on the way to my shift at the hospital, for some reason I was thinking about walking and falling, I don’t remember in what context and then down I went.  Sticking, just this far, tipping and then more and then down!  I was humiliated at the halfway down part but then even more humiliated as I went completely down.  Yes, insult and injury. Up ahead, just before I fell, I saw a man coming my way, as I fell, I thought here comes my life saver, he will catch me just in time and I won’t go down at all, I will be saved.  But I wasn’t and he didn’t.

Well, to give him credit, he did try and he did walk past my desk three times to make sure I was okay, I assured him I was and then I didn’t see him again.  But I did go back to the place where I fell, called the cleanup crew and then made sure the cleanup happened.  Still wishing I had been saved, saved from the humiliation, saved from the fall and saved from the inevitable pain that is bound to show up in the next day or two.

Being saved, isn’t that what we all want, to be saved from humiliation that comes from misplaced steps, to be saved from pain, the pain that comes with injury, with suffering and loss?  We want to be saved from the suffering that comes our way from no fault of our own, suffering that interrupts our life as we know it. We want someone to help us, to help me, to save me; we want the interruption to not be an interruption at all.  We want life as is, safe, good, fair, and maybe even perfect with no mistakes in it, left the way we have become used to living it.

Life doesn’t happen that way, messes happen in our hallways and we fall down.  These messy interruptions do not happen to us, getting in our way, messing up our plans…these interruptions are our life, this is what is happening now, do not wish for something else, this is it, live it.

Recently a friend has drawn us in to her interruption, and it’s a big one, she has been sharing her attitude with us daily, over and over again, her son has cancer, her life is happening and she is responding with an attitude of gratitude.  She has chosen it, they all have, their little family, being drawn in to joy despite the suffering of the pain.

   

She has been giving thanks to God, to her friends, to her family and even to strangers who are simply doing their jobs in the messy hallways; to her, these have all been life savers.

 

Lifesavers.

 

That’s what we want…people coming along side lifting us up, giving us support and encouragement…Lifesavers…knowing that, ultimately, all of these have been placed in our way by God.  

Yes, Him too, encouraging us on in every step we take, all through the messed up hallways reminding us that He is the life saver.

God, the ultimate Lifesaver…I love that.  

He will Never?

I was reading a magazine article and I came across something that stood out in my mind.  It stopped me cold, it thumped against my heart and ricocheted back and forth there for a while and I thought it not true.

Regarding God and His salvation, Pierre Gilbert writes He will never take anyone against his or her will…really?  Pierre goes on to say that it's as if  to sign permission before God can make a move...truly?

What about miracles?  What about grace? 

 

To say that God needs our permission to have Him respond with us is to say that it all depends on us.  I can’t see that this can be true.  In fact the truth is that God first loved us, the truth is He acts first and then we act.  To say that we need to give permission for Him to act in us is to say that we are the one that matters.

 

God can, God will and God does act despite us, whether we have given permission or not, He does not wait for us to make the first move.  No, He moves first.  Sometimes, He rushes in like He did with Saul, knocking the wind out of you, sometimes He lights a fire right in front of you, sometimes He calls you out of the fields and blesses you. Sometimes despite everything you do, He says you are a man after His own heart and sometimes He says here is the way walk in it.

God does not need permission to do what He has in mind to do.  If He wants you, there is none who can stop Him, nothing you do, nothing you say and nothing you sign.  We have all heard the stories, miracles told of how God saved, how He redeemed and how He did everything to bring some to their knees…God moves people.  It is God who finds us where we are and moves us to Him.

It's as if God ‘signed the papers’ they are signed in creation, signed on the rainbow and then signed again in blood sealed with the cross.

Any signing we do only has to do with being faithful, trusting, loving and following a God who loved us first.

He will take anyone against their will, if He wills it, He will do it.  And we will be amazed at the miracle…and we will be amazed at God’s grace.

For it is by grace we have been saved, not from ourselves, it is the gift of God.

I love that.

He Looked Around at Everything

Have you ever had to give up something? 

Have you ever given up something that you had come to love, something that you truly loved? 

Maybe you’ve given up your home, the place that your family grew up in, the place that held your family close, all wrapped up in love and warmth and safety…yes, a safe place where your heart thrived and lived and loved.  I had to give up a home like that, thankfully I understood, that yes, I loved my home but it was not what defined me, it was not what defined my family, it was not my treasure, my family was, the love was. 

Where my treasure was, that is where my heart was.  So I was able to let go and to give up my home. I was on the move and I was going to be okay, my treasure was coming with me, love…in memories.  When I left that old farm house, I took a long look, I looked at everything.

I had to give up my husband, he was the fibre of our family, he was the one who supplied our needs, the one who always, always made sure we had food on the table, clothes on our backs and money in the bank…always money for a rainy day.  It was his strong arms who held our family, kept us strong, giving us a way to be stronger, again and again.  His hands were held out for a touch, a simple touch of caring, the touch of love.  He was on the move and I was going to be okay, his treasure coming with me, love in memories.  When I left his side that day, I took a long look, I looked at everything.

In my lifetime, I have given up other things, hard things, some of them were sacrifices knowing that in order to give them up I was losing something valuable but in the end gaining something too. I knew that changes were about to happen, things were going to be different.  I knew that I was going to be different.  Sacrifices…giving something up, each time I did, I took a long look, I looked at everything.

I wonder if this is how it was for Jesus, when He entered Jerusalem and went to the Temple, Mark 11:11 says He looked around at everything...did He see that this was the place he loved, that this was the place that held his heart, the place where He shared His Fathers love, showed it, gave it, honored it. Did He see now that things were about to change, that He was giving up the way He knew this place.

He looked around at everything.

Soon and very soon, He would be giving up something more.

But even so...though He was losing something valuable, He was gaining so much more, that even in this sacrifice, God had looked around at everything... for God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His son to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.

A treasure gained...I love that.

Noble Things

“Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”

Proverbs 31: 29

A Tribute to Aunt Katie 

               

I read somewhere that the big difference in people is not if they have been rich or poor… rather, it is if they have known love or not.

It is clear to me that Aunt Katie has known love, from those she surrounded herself with, to the ones who wanted to be near her.  Aunt Katie knew love and she gave love, she was the dearest lady.

My own memories of her are filled with times of sharing love, showing interest in my children and my grandchildren, always giving from her heart, deeply from her soul.  From the sitting down to coffee and apple pie at McDonalds and sharing words of her life, the life she shared with Jake, the man she was devoted to… to the walking about shopping for the right gift to give her granddaughters, every purchase, every thoughtful gift was considered with love and grace.  We shared the value of books, the meaning of scripture and most recently we shared our hearts, speaking out the thoughts we held to the loss of our husbands...tears.

.

Aunt Katie was sophisticated, in a simple way… she was soft spoken, a woman of integrity, a woman who despite her losses, was filled with love, over flowing with generosity and exceeding in grace.

The memories from those who loved her are laden with childhood gatherings, growing-up-together-dreams and growing-old-at-last-satisfactions.

There are childhood memories… of the Esau’s, gifts received to the Congo from across the miles of land and over oceans, packed in barrels of love, given in the way of hand sewn gifts, baking and books.  And once they were home, memories of hospitality, comfort and being made welcome…welcomed home.  Memories of the ‘Eastern’ Martens…crossing Canada for summer visits, picking berries, melting in the eating of them, and sneaking cookies from the freezer.  Memories of how she loosed her bun and let her hair fall down over her shoulders to touch the ground.  Still others who lived nearby, remember that spending time with Aunt Katie & Uncle Jake was always special…on the farms in Sumas Prairie and in Yarrow, sleepovers, playing dress up in her grown up clothes and being fascinated by the process of milking cows by hand…and all have memories of her smile, how it lit up a room and the hearing of her giggle, sweetness and joy.

There are memories of sharing and forgiving, memories of crime and punishment…always fitting and fair…justice served; memories of laughter and memories of the never ending appreciation of Aunt Katie’s generosity and grace.

Memories of a gracious hostess with wonderful home-made goodies…memories of  cookbooks, covered with splatters, jotted notes and many inserts of hand-written recipes, all tested by the wonderful cook she was…memories of munching her famous pickles, of eating her chicken noodle soup, of her giving lessons on the making of borscht and sauerkraut. Her changing from hand mixing to Bosch turning…the baking of cookies and pies and breads all with names spelled with German letters and pronounced in heavy accents zwieback, portzelky, platz, rolchucken, perishky,  hirschensalz cookies,  all of it always served with  a table cloth-spread out, on rose painted china, with coffee cups and saucers, tinkling with silver spoons.

Memories of roses growing in beds where weeds weren’t allowed, nor deer to nibble, only the roses, sweet and blooming from pruned bushes surrounded by the many other plants and flowers that Aunt Katie loved;  flowers that she made into arrangements for occasions of celebrations, church gatherings,  the weddings of her nieces and for her daughter.

Memories of sewing and stitching and threading, needles, scissors and patterns, fabrics and lace, sewn into childhood dresses-smocked, teenage skirts and blouses-pressed, choir outfits- altered, white suits for sweet boys, beautiful bridesmaid dresses…wedding dresses…all sewn with dreams, stitched with love and given freely.  Quilts put together from squares, sewn and then more; again and again and again and laying there still, folded across her sewing machine.

There are those who have memories of watching her drive her scooter on errands along with Jake …and then by herself, she was determined, and she was brave…memories of a life with no complaints…only encouragement, encouraging all of us to look only at the blessings that God has showered down.

Memories; of those in the church and in the communities that Aunt Katie along with Jake were dedicated to, families like the Friesens and the Koehns, who were taken under wing to be cared for and loved and cherished.

 

There are memories of song, singing out with a full voice, sweetly, with her sister, in high heels… and of prayers, of calling out to God begging for wisdom, for understanding and for health, on her knees.  Memories of watching her sit beside a dying husband, she was the sweetest wife … memories of her bearing the loss of Lynnette her eldest granddaughter…she was the sweetest grandmother...Then  later of standing steadfast at the bedside of her sister, losing another part of her heart…she was the sweetest sister.

Memories of brothers, Aron and Victor who called Katie sister, even though a sister through marriage, a true sister in heart.  Jake's brothers who cared deeply, for a woman who went beyond measure to return that special care and love that being part of family means.

Memories of caregivers, those taking tender care of the sweetest Aunt, days of listening to her stories, days of holding, watching, loving… softly remembering a woman who was once whole, who lay sweetly broken, in dreams of going home…and then of breathing in the last air God had given her.

There are too, now and forever, the memories of her daughter Frieda, memories of childhood dreams and wishes that only mother and daughter can share…things inside, hidden in their eyes and held in their hearts.  Memories only they could share, bittersweet losses and overflowing joys, true sadness and heartbreaks tempered with laughter and the shared knowing of heart felt love…love that only a mother and daughter can know.

Charlene holds the sweetest of these memories… they are all wrapped up in her own heart and soul.

 “Charlene is sad, why? “

“Why, Charlene?”

“Because Grandman has gone to be with Jesus, to be with Jesus in heaven, she will be young again and she will see Grandpa and Lynnette and Aunt Louise, she is happy now.”

“Yes, Charlene, Grandman is very happy now.”

Aunt Katie was the dearest friend, sister, wife, mother and grandmother…we will miss her.

“Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”

Proverbs 31:31

Show Me

I went to a funeral on Friday; I drove my Mom and my sister to Surrey, a city where we lived for a short while.  We did not live in the city but on the outskirts, in a neighbourhood where everyone knew everyone.  I was very little then, and we moved away before I was in school but a bit of our soul stayed there on that street, not so much in the house as in the yard, the yard where the edge of ours backed on to the edge of another.  In that other yard lived our friends whom for a time, even after we moved were a part of our lives, our hearts and souls living there still…in memories.

 

Now these memories came flooding back as we were reminded of those days, those people, those heart and soul friends and their stories.  The lady who died, lived in that house whose yard touched the edge of ours, her name was Mary and she was my mother’s friend, it was an honor to go to say good bye.

The priest there said to us “There is one thing as humans that we all have in common and this commonality starts from conception in the womb.   It is not that we need food, or drink, or the way our bones are put together or the way we move, it is not that we speak or see or feel…it is that we will all die.”  This is hard for us to accept, we all want to live, and we think that this is what we will do, but we will die, we don’t know when, how or where...we all will die.

   

I remember hearing a story from a woman who was dying, she spoke in front of a ladies group to share her struggles and the hope she carried even with the knowledge that she did not have much longer to live...from the depths of her frailty, she said  “I am dying, but so are you.”

My husband’s Aunt is dying; she is laying in a hospital bed breathing in the last of the air that God has given to her.  Aunt Katie doesn’t know anymore who we are or even if we are there, but we know her, she is the sweetest lady and we all have loved her.  The dearest Aunt is dying. 

God has made us this way, but He has given us a promise that we will not be alone.

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." 

Deuteronomy 31:8

This is our blessed hope, we will not be alone, we only need to ask the way…show me.

I found this song on my playlist, it was the closest I had to an old hymn, the kind of music she likes.  I turned the volume up just so, and gently placed it on the pillow near my Aunt's ear, hoping she could hear, that she could soak up the words and melt away on them, words that could comfort her heart and soul and let her know that she is not alone.  I know she's not afraid, she knows that He is with her...that He is getting ready to show her the way home. 

Tasting Jesus

“For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink” 

 John 6:55

On hearing these words from Jesus, the disciples said “this is a hard teaching who can accept it?”

On hearing these words, I say too, this is a hard teaching…to keep eating Jesus, to be satisfied only by Him.

I was at a wedding shower a few weeks ago and a question was asked “what did you find out about your husband that you didn’t know before you married him?” A cute question for a wedding shower but in real life, the answer could be hard. 

I was married for 36 years to a man who was hard minded and strong willed, I didn’t really know then that these were going to be such a large part of who my man was.  He needed black and white answers with not much room for grey details. Life for John was based on hard work even his love language was work.  I learned that if I left a shovel or a rake out by the back door, maybe a half filled pail of some weed killer or a pair of muddy boots flopped to one side, placed there just so at the time of his home coming, he would enter in a happy man.  His love language was work and work, spoken in the language of work.

Once I found out about God and who Jesus was, life became a lot simpler for me, not easier because life was hard.  Marriage was hard work but here I had found a way to make sense of life, this hard knocks, hard work life I was in.  I found that if I kept Jesus within my grasp, in the corners of my heart mind and soul I could taste how a hard life could be made better.  Tasting Jesus, something I kept going back for…one more morsel, a satisfying meal, a delectable desert, always food for thought. Food for my heart and soul that kept me satisfied.

Now that I am alone, I am finding out something I didn’t know.  I didn’t know being alone would be such hard work.  Some days are filled with grace and joy and laughter, rainbows and sunny skies, starry nights and full moons.  Some days are good.

 

Some days are hard.  What I didn’t know is that it would be so hard.   I didn’t know that some days and nights would be long and hard and grey.  I didn’t know that some decisions would be rock hard, black and white work with little room for grey details.

I am finding that I need the satisfying taste of Jesus all the more.  So I am eating His words, taking in His ways and holding on hard to His grace, the grace He serves up to me day after day, each quiet minute, every passing hour, all these long alone days.

I need this hard teaching, tasting what is good, tasting Jesus...food for my heart and soul, keeping me satisfied.

I love that.

Do You Know Who You Are?

I have been reading a book called Snow Falling on Cedars, it tells the story of a Japanese girl in a small town in the middle of a white man’s world, during 1941 after the bombing of Pearl Harbour.  She is struggling to make sense of who she is in these troubling days, who she is in her relationships, who she is in this place she calls home.

Her mother says to her “…these are difficult times, nobody knows who they are now.  Everything is cloudy and unclear.”

Do you know who you are, does anybody know, can we?  Is anytime or anything clear, clear enough to see who we are?  Some of what makes us who we are is set by the standards of the world around us, the place where we live, some of it is set in place by our families, who we came from.  But a lot of who we are is determined by our choices.

Martha chose to be busy, to set preparations and tables, she chose to serve.  Mary chose to sit and to listen, to take it all in, she chose to be still.  Now I think it is not so much what Martha chose to do so much as what she chose to say, she chose to complain, to say in words out loud what she was doing and then to say just as loud what Mary was not.   In this moment, Jesus said Mary has chosen what is better.

I want to choose what is better.  Not so much that I want to sit and be still, because I know I can do that and I do, but I want to serve too, to serve those whom I love, those in need around me.  More than that, what I want is to choose better in the moment, in that exact moment I want to choose what is better.  But like the mother in the story I am reading, I am aware that right now for me, these are difficult times, I am trying hard to know who I am, and I am trying to get out of the clouds to be clear. I want to do what is better.

I went to a conference this weekend with some friends, the speaker; Kelly Minter spoke to us about knowing who we are.  We are chosen, we are set apart, holy and we are dearly loved.  She said a problem begins when we do not understand who we are, chosen, holy and dearly loved. When we can understand this about ourselves, when we can understand the way God sees us, then our choices become better, choices like compassion, kindness, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, love, knowing peace and knowing truth…being clear…knowing who I am, knowing who I already am…

Chosen, holy and dearly loved  

Collossions 3:12

I love that.

Being Clear

“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her”

Max Lucado

I want to share some of the things I have learned from my Bible Study this past week, I’m doing two, and I have been learning amazing things.  Words and ideas given to me by Kelly Minter and Andy Stanley, deep thoughts and blunt plans, desires of the heart and soul, words from God, felt deeply by me, rolling around in my mind, loud like thunder, quickened by sharp bolts of lightening.  Other words spoken to my soul, placed softly, laying there sweetly, waiting for me to lay my heart down amongst them, knowing I will. I will.

I’ve learned that God is putting His arm around me saying “I’ve got you.”  I need to know that.

I’ve learned that If God is asking me to lay something down for the greater good, He is able to repay me lavishly, my rights, to that something, will never outrun His blessings, even if those blessings aren’t revealed until heaven ...even if.

I’ve learned that I need to have a vision, stated clearly, for myself, that when I clarify who God created me to be and what he wants me to do I can more easily determine what opportunities fit into that vision and which ones don’t.  Being clear with my vision, for me.

I’ve learned that I need to be on my guard, that where I may have viewed an invitation as an olive branch, a chance to reconcile or to hug, the intentions meant, may be for my down fall.  I learned that when Nehemiah was confronted with this type of intention he saw it as a distraction, he quickly realized an imposter.  Something clearly tipped him off…he would not let the distraction stop him from the vision he had set for himself and he was clear “But, I prayed, 'Now strengthen my hands'”

And I pray “God, please, be clear, strengthen my hands, my heart, my mind, my coming and my going”

Being clear, I want that...I need that. 

I’ve learned that I need reminders, to read and to re-read, to look again and to say it again, and again. Heavenly Father, I cannot, but You can…Your grace is sufficient for me, sustaining grace, in-spite-of grace.  Yes, in-spite-of grace given to me, again and again.  God saying “I’ve got you.”

I‘ve learned that by beginning my day with declaring my need and putting my reliance on God is one of the best habits I can ever take up…out of bed on my knees praying.

“It is a declaration that you need rivers of living water to bubble up and flow through your heart, mind, and emotions.  It is an acknowledgement that you believe God is able and willing to sustain you in-spite-of what’s happened in the past and what’s happening around you now…relying on God’s sustaining grace.”

Yes, sustaining grace, amazing grace, God clearly saying “I’ve got you!”   

Being clear…I love that

All My Dreams Are Always Beautiful

I love beautiful presents, I have been known to buy them for myself, my husband was not too talented in this area, so from time to time, I’d buy my own, nothing extravagant, usually something small, something heartfelt, and always something beautiful.

 

Don’t we all crave that, something beautiful, even if it is just in our dreams?

There is one gift in particular that I remember, probably because for a time it was lost.  I mourned the loss of it and whenever I was near a place where I might find one like it, I searched it out, but never finding it.  Until the other day, I read on-line some words that stood out to me calling me to that place in my dreams where the idea of that long lost gift nestled.  Words by Isak Dinesen, words that I haven’t forgotten…”All my dreams are always beautiful.”

Now this long lost gift was near at hand, available on order; linked, searched, found, ordered, confirmed and in my hands, waiting to be opened…would it be as beautiful as I remembered.

It was nothing valuable, a magazine, simple, but beautiful, yes…every page awash with muted photos pure and soft whispering the story that beauty tells.  Lace and ribbons,  roses and pearls: “pearls are like poets’ tales, pearls of the heart, the secrets of depth”  words by Isak Dinesen, beautiful words as soft as the lace flowing from the pages  “I had a farm in Africa” she wrote “and a home of a hundred summers, sweetness and winters comfort.” There are soft words of other authors and poets and photos of muted white lilies, roses, petals falling and white skirts flowing, veiled women, all in white, reflecting winter, all beautiful.

It was a pleasure to have found this gift, returned to me, churning memories and dreams from a time past, the winter of January, 1992.

I received another gift in the mail, the very next day. It came in a package all brown paper and light. I knew it was coming but I did not know what it would contain.  A package from my eighty six year old Aunt, my Dads twin, her story is enfolded in mine.  It was an amazing gift, almost sacred, an honor to receive, given from the heart and soul, of that I am sure.  I could feel her heart beating as she wrapped it up, folding it gently in the tissue, certainly remembering the dreams that were part of it, sewn into it and kept there for a day such as this.  I could imagine her placing it reverently back into the box marked  Dress  1975.  A piece of her heart folded in with the lace and satin, netting and pearls…the loveliest gift. It was encased in brown paper stamped addressed and mailed to me, to me, it was as if she was sending me her dreams, dreams of something beautiful, her wedding dress, her wedding day…sent to me.

All her dreams, I remember they were always beautiful.

“The bride floating all white beside her father in the morning shadow of the trees,

her veil floating with laughter.”

D.H. Lawrence

Weeping With Us

I have had something on my mind, rolling it around and around, wondering about it, ever since I heard the words said.

First of all let me say I found it to be one of the best, clearest explanations given, in regards to this topic.  I liked it. It has sat in my mind.  Although best and like are not quite the right words to use.  In horrific circumstances, under great distress and deep, deep sadness, it was brought up, the words stuck out, explained in the clearest bluntest of ways.  It was not really an explanation; it was said as fact in a sentence.

Words said by Robbie Parker, with tears in his eyes and trying to catch his breath, talking about the man that gunned down his beautiful, 6 year old daughter, Emily, at Stony Hook School…

“Free agency is given to all of us to act and choose to do whatever we want and God can’t take that away from us.  And I know that is something he was given and that is what he chose to do with it.  And I know that God can’t take that away.  I’m not mad, because I have my free agency to make sure that I use this event to do whatever I can to want to make sure that my family, my wife and my daughters are taken care of.”

Free agency.  Free choice.  Free will.

I have heard it explained in regards to faith for Christians, as applied to them and those, over there who apparently choose not to be Christians.  Free will being necessary for developing faith, for believing once and for all, saying, it is your choice to believe, that we are all given free will to believe or not.

 

But now I see that free will is not only given so that we can choose to believe or not, free will is God given from the start, just to be.  Created.  We are created with it that way, from the start, for all of our actions, for what we do with ourselves, not necessarily concerning faith…but with our life, no matter who we are…free will, free agency…it is what we do.

I have been wondering something else; could God not have stepped down into that school yard, there in Connecticut and stopped this mad man from using his free agency? He could have, I believe He could have.  There are many examples to prove that He could, that there were times that He did; Saul was on a killing rampage, using his own free agency… but God.  God stopped him in his tracks.  Stopped.  Him.  In.  His.  Tracks.  There was no time for heart change, for thought change, it just simply, abruptly changed, with the flash of light in the middle of his rampage, because God wanted him for Him, now. 

 

We all know the stories, told by people who experienced this, they say,” it was a miracle! God simply stopped me from craving that…now I do this for God.”  “God took away my need for that drug…now I serve God here.”  “God stopped my thoughts in that area…now I work for God in this way.”   Miracles happen, God can step in, because He wants you now.

 

How long is free agency in our hands, always, sometimes? When does God step in, does He? For whom does He step in? Miracles happening…do they…will He?

What do you think?

I think, sometimes miracles are to be had, to be known and felt, to be seen and talked about, Hallelujah!  I think sometimes miracles are not to be, but we are given the strength to stand firm anyway!  I think sometimes miracles are not going to happen, at least not in the way we want, we will go through hard times, we will suffer and cry out and it will seem for a long time, but grace is given.  I think sometimes, God wants us to fight for what we believe according to our faith, strengthening our faith, proving God true.  And I think that sometimes, sometimes God prepares us to suffer while He stands, seemingly silent, at our side weeping with us.

Yes, at our side weeping with us, watching the trouble happen…just like He did with his only son.

God, weeping with us…

I love that.

“Circumstances may appear to wreck our lives and God’s plans,

but God is not helpless among the ruins.”

Eric Liddell, Olympian

A Small Stone

“Who knows that He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing”  

Joel 2:14

I took my little dog for a walk the other day.  I drove us down to the Marsh just off the highway and we followed the twists and turns around the rocky path there.

 

As we made our way around the path, I noticed the mountains in the distance that stood guard over the prairie, all sharp edged and tipped in snow, I noticed the marsh lands, the tall grasses, dry and pressed down along  the ponds edge, and I noticed the path…and there it was, seemingly placed in my path, just so.

I stopped to look at it, a stone, small, black, with a white line, straight, etched across it. The stone on one side of the line was jagged, broken and on the other side, whole, more rounded and I wondered about it.  I thought how beautiful of God to put it there like that, a small stone, just so, among millions more. 

I carried on with my walk, kicking up the stones, my little dog tugging me on, step by step, me thinking, thinking about the white line drawn across that small stone.  I stopped and turned to go back, I thought it silly; surely I would never find it again lying there amongst a scattered million.  But I turned back, some half dozen steps…more.  And, there it was, just for me waiting, a reminder, reminding me of something, surely something good. 

I picked up that small stone and polished it in my gloved fingers, turning it over and over, and I wondered, a reminder?  Yes…reminding me of God, of my life, my faith and I’m thinking three years; a broken heart, a broken life.  But the line has been drawn and life goes on, more faith, a mended heart and a new life.  That’s my reminder, God is still with me.  I slipped that little stone into my pocket and rolled it over in my fingers.  I loved finding it, holding His reminder in my hand.  I am so glad that I turned to go back for it.

 

I love reminders, reminders that turn me back, that turn me back to see God there.

It sits now on my window sill, a reminder, a blessing of God in the way of a stone...

I love that. 

So, So Good

Are you building a well or constructing a fence?  That was the question he asked.  Easy answer I thought; constructing a fence of course, keeping everything and everyone safe... digging a well, not so much, someone could fall in and never get out, how could that be good?

When I heard the rest of the story, I realized I hadn’t quite thought the question through and I was gently reminded of something my mother-in-law would have said if she had heard my initial response to the asked question... “No. Wrong.”

Funny to remember...quick and short with her answer and usually said slowly as if the person at the receiving end didn’t quite understand english…still makes me laugh.

Yes, truth is I was wrong; truth is you want to be building a well, you want to be building something that will provide a sustaining source to those around you, something that will nourish life, living water. I liked that.

  

Of course I want to build a well; truth is I have built a well.  I have built a well that has sustained my children through the years, a well that they came back to again and again, sometimes taking in sips, sometimes big gulps and sometimes taking in long, long life giving drafts.  Truth is I constructed a few fences too, ones that came down pretty quickly when instead I put my children under God’s care.  I learned early that He cared for my children more than I did, I could trust Him and the fences were not needed.  I liked that too.

My children are grown now, they have children of their own and they are deciding for themselves the wells they build or the fences they construct, but my job is not yet done, there is still something I can do.  I can make sure that my well still flows freely, that there are no clogs building up, that my well still sustains my small families.  I am a grandparent that can still sustain and impress with my well of living water.  Yes, my well is still useful.  I like that.

The next question he asked was wondering what will I impress on my children and my grandchildren this year.  And my heart thought, what will I take out from the depths of my well to share with my families to let them know that my well is still good, that living water is still flowing there telling that God is so good…so, so good.

For 2013, from my well, found in a song from Psalm 103...kept there to be sipped slowly, turned and tasted, 10,000 reasons to bless my soul,

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning

It's time to sing your song again

Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me

let me be singing when the evening comes.

This is what I will impress on my children and my grandchildren, each day is new, He is my hope and He is their hope as well…whatever may pass and whatever lies before them...He is good.  So, so good.

I love that

Love Actually

I watched a movie the other night called ‘Love Actually’, it tells the story of how love can be found.  In the introduction the narrator uses the tragedy of the New York trade towers as an example that despite the tragedy, stories of love were everywhere. "Love is actually all around.” I liked that.

I found a song this Christmas written and sung by Casting Crowns, called ‘While You Were Sleeping’ and it tells the story of not paying attention to the love that is given for all of us.  Take a moment if you can and listen to it.

This song seems rather fitting considering what has happened in the world these last few weeks. The song is aimed for the United States but the rest of the countries in this world could easily have their names slipped in to its place.

Right now we are aware of the massacres in Newtown,Conneticut; Chengping,China and Webster, NewYork; shootings, stabbings…planned murderous rampages, all of these happening in the middle of this December, a time when all should be joy.

Yet these happenings are not new.  Our world is filled with suffering, has been, for well over 2000 years…more. 

Our world is filled with strange philosophies, ideas and thoughts that take us away from personal relationships, family and love; thinking that takes us away from God, from His hope and His peace. 

Well that’s what the world view seems to say.  But I’m not so sure…actually, I see love all around.

I see family holding on to one another, I see parents loving each other.  I see Grandparents praying for their children and grandchildren, loving them, giving them hope through illnesses and suffering.  I see elderly parents being cared for by their children while they travel the road to the end of life on this earth. I see friends to all of these, whole communities stepping up to show support and to offer help, hope, love. 

Unending love, actually.

I see men working hard to make lives better for others in this world, whether it is in other countries or whether it is right in their own neighbourhoods, men that are helping single mothers and giving to food banks, animal shelters and to causes that affect them just as much as the ones they are helping.  I see some of these same men working towards leading their families in love and purpose.  I see young women stepping out to help in the hospitals, to feed the poor and I see young mothers loving their children and teaching them to love in return.  I see Pastors sharing the message of what God wants us to know and I see their congregations responding, doing more, in love.

Unending love.

I see children in Christmas plays helping out their special needs friends, I see children lending a hand up to their team mate in sporting events, I see children throwing their arms around teachers as they give out gifts they have chosen, I see the teachers responding in kind.  I see children who are showing signs of taking care of others, of putting others before themselves…I see hearts filled with pride, joy, love.

Unending love, actually.

Yes, I see the light in the eyes of the children, I see the reflection in their parents’ eyes, and I see pride beaming in grandparents. I see the sparkle in the eyes of the great grandparents, the ones that say ‘my body is old but inside I am young’.  I see people looking at other people, wanting to help, daring to help, loving to help. 

I see the stories that tell this is going on in the whole of the world, stories that are on the edges of the suffering, but they are there, they can be found…actually, love is all around.

I love that.

New Again...the reason for the season, daring, moving and Beautiful!

My daughter shared this with the ladies at her bible study in Ontario, not the video but the song, she shared the music, the words, and the emotion.  These are some of her words...

Every year as I read through the christmas story something new impacts me and causes me to ponder and dig a little deeper. This year what has left me in amazement is Mary, the mother of baby Jesus, a mother like me. Like any of us who have carried a baby for nine months, who have gone through all of their childhood stages, cuddled with them, comforted and loved them, certainly Mary must have  felt these too, just like me.  Isn't it hard to believe that Mary did the same with our Messiah, our Saviour as we have done with our own little ones! 

When Jesus, just a baby, is swaddled in her arms, Mary finds herself in awe of the responsibility that God has given her, she wonders what His life will be and she ponders these things in her heart.

There is a scene in this video where the young boy Jesus slips and falls, he takes a tumble into the rocky pathway and Mary runs to him, cradling him in her arms, brushing the gravel away, she is looking closely at him, looking for any signs of hurt or pain.  Haven't you or I been there, looking closely at our own little ones for any reason for hurt, for tears... to brush them away the way Mary must have?
                                                                    
.

I too am pondering all these things and in light of what has happened in Conneticut, aren't these emotions of you and I and the whole of the world, even more amazingly felt...pondered. Evil events, hurts, suffering; pondered in our hearts, just as Mary did as her grown son and Gods Son suffered. 

Mary, the  mother or our saviour, while watching Him grow up, had to also watch her 'baby' die the most horrific death that we could possibly imagine. This song has put this into perspective for me. Listen to the words and watch the story....imagine how Mary felt, knowing that Jesus is God's Son, but he was also her son. God had a plan and Mary's son was His way to make things all new again.

My daughters thoughts and words...I love that.

Whoever, Whenever, However

Yesterday I watched a video clip of Max Lucado, he was talking about God’s grace, a subject I have become very familiar with. I witnessed God’s grace being given to my husband as he lay in a hospital bed with him knowing he was not long for this world…knowing it, knowing his own deep loss and feeling his gain, all at once.  I have felt God’s grace myself, His grace covering me, even though I didn’t deserve it, despite the fact that I messed up, yes, undeservedly, I have felt His grace, melted in it, rejoiced in it.   

For years I have known about God’s grace, I've read about it, heard about it and sang about it…amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.  I always thought, yes, I know God’s grace.  But I never did, I never was taken in by it, overwhelmed fully by it or so deeply affected by it…until now, until these days.  Now I know it and I am astounded, amazed, in awe and totally taken in.  

God’s Grace, Max Lucado says it is for whoever, whenever, however…true.

I have been studying in a book called the Grace of God by Andy Stanley; he says, 

“Grace is the offer of exactly what we do not deserve.Thus it cannot be recognized until we are aware of precisely how undeserving we really are. It is the knowledge of what we do not deserve that allows us to receive grace for what it is. Unmerited.Unearned.Undeserved. For that reason, grace can only be experienced by those who acknowledge they are undeserving.”

True.

This may exactly be the reason why King David reacts to the death of his infant son the way he does; there was nothing he could do.  God’s grace covers him even though he knows he doesn’t deserve it.  

He doesn’t deserve it.  

After all the despicable things David does, we would expect that God would withdraw His grace but He doesn’t, He gives it all the more…amazing grace.  Rahab, the prostitute, she knows she doesn’t deserve it, she knows all too well why, yet God gives her grace.   Judah falls short, he betrays his brother Joseph, Tamar is his breaking point and he knows he doesn’t deserve it…but he gets grace despite what he has done in his lifetime…God’s grace.

We all have our messes, but the truth is God does not give out grace according to those messes, He gives despite those messes.  Look around you; do you see that person whom you think is too messy to receive God’s grace?  Look again you will see that he is David, she is Rahab and that one over there is Judah.  We give up on people too soon…God does not.

God’s grace is given freely despite our actions; God’s grace does not depend on us.  Andy Stanley says that God’s promise and the grace given to David stands, “For it was not anchored by the behavior of the recipient, but by the grace of the one who had given the promise”

As it is with us, Gods promise is given, unmerited, unearned, undeserved for whoever, whenever, however.  And the truth that Max Lacado shares in one of his stories is what God wants us to know…”no matter how far you have fallen, no matter where you’ve been, I still love you, please come home…this is the message of grace.”

As messy as we are, the message of grace is for you and for me.  

I love that.

Graduation

I was at my sons for dinner the other night, we were all gathered around the table, his three little daughters and we three adults.  My son looked around the table and  to the littlest one he said “Let’s pray.”  She had her spoon in her hand waving it around ready to do something with the food that had been placed before her, but when he said that, she looked straight in his eyes, put her spoon down and clasped her little hands to pray…she is just six months away from being 2.  What an awesome privilege to see this little one begin her journey in prayer and in faith. 

She is just starting this journey, we will have much to witness and what a joy it will be!

A very good friend of mine passed away this weekend, she was 102.  She was one hundred and two years on this earth bringing joy to all of those around her, the sweetest lady, and a treasure to all who knew her.  She   had a warm welcome for anyone who came her way, she was an amazing encourager, a gentle calm in the midst of storms, a blessed friend and a powerful prayer warrior.  Her journey has been long and hard, short and sweet, a life well lived.

I will miss her, many will, especially her family, they were dedicated to her.  They cared for her in ways that were above and beyond that which any person could hope to be cared for. She was well loved. These last years she had wanted more than anything to go home to Jesus, to be cared for by him, there in Heaven...she is home now and as her granddaughter said, she is dancing with Jesus.  

She has just ended her journey here on this earth, it was much to witness and what a joy!

On Sunday Pastor Rob spoke a little to the fact that we graduate from one place to another and we do, we graduate from one level of schooling to another, from one level of life to another from one level of faith to another.  Yes, life is a series of graduations.

Brynlee, my little granddaughter is just beginning her journey, she will celebrate many graduations  and we will celebrate with her. Through each step we will clap our hands in joy.  Mary Neumann, my good friend has just made her last graduation…the biggest one of all.  She is being celebrated in heaven, welcomed in with joy.  She is dancing with Jesus. 

I love that.

“You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song   before you, and all of the trees of the field will clap their hands.”

Isaiah 55:12

A Drop in a Bucket

I was talking with a young woman this weekend, she was sharing about her job, she worked with women who were in trouble, women abused by men, abused by drugs, women out of prison, women fighting for a better life, women looking for help.  This was her job, caring for other women, women not so blessed as herself.  One of the other listeners there said, “What a noble job choice you have made.” The young woman looked up and said "We are all part of the same job, we each share in the responsibility of caring for others, we all make a difference, at least we all can."  She told us that her work was like filling a bucket…each person in need of help has their own bucket and it is filled one drop at a time from the people they come in contact with.  All sorts of people are putting drops in, but, she added, "If we are the ones who put in those last few drops that fill that bucket we are quick to pat ourselves on the back, ‘look what I did, I've filled the bucket!’ we forget the fact that there are others that have made a contribution...contributions that made it possible for the overflow."

This fact that she was pointing out is thought provoking. 

We all have a noble calling you and me, if we would look and see the buckets that need filling, every drop is noble.

A friend of mine says we need to get away from politics, the politics of life and of this world, we need to get back to simply helping others, to feeding the poor, giving a fair wage to the everyday worker and serving others rather than trying to serve ourselves. I said to him "Jesus said ‘the poor will always be with us.' We can’t do everything, this is the way of the world, of society, the poor will always be with us."  He asked “Why?”

Yes, why indeed.  As far as it depends on us, what can we do for the poor and for those in trouble, the poor in spirit?  What can you and I do?

I like this bucket idea, if we could just add our drops to the bucket and realize that we have done our part; that we have simply done our part whether it is putting in the first few drops, pouring in a lot or whether it is putting in those last drops that cause the overflow.  This may seem a small thing to do, a drop in a bucket, but like this young woman suggested; every drop is noble. Watching for the buckets and adding drops, looking out for the overflow, hoping for the overflow, this is what we can do.

^“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. Then the righteous will answer him 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?  When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you? 

The King will reply 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." 

Matthew 25:35-40

                                                                                                        

Filling buckets…every drop is noble.

I love that.

November

November, this is the month that everything started happening, it is the month that everything happened, the time that everything happened all at once - in slow motion - but in the blink of an eye.

I have been a little emotional this past week, it seems my heart and my soul know what took place at this time three years ago.  And my mind has been taking me on memory tours of a time I shared with a man who grew up with me but who would not grow old with me.

Memories; sad and hard, happy times and good times, friends and family times, troubled times as well as joyous God filled times.

 

I have shared this story a life time ago but I’m telling it again because these years have been on my mind...

On August 21^st 2005 Pastor Rob provided an opportunity for each person in the congregation to spend wisely for God's Kingdom, he gave out $100.00, one hundred talents, to anyone who wanted to participate in this extravagant opportunity  Even though I took up the challenge I went home wondering, what could I do with these talents?

That Sunday we were having all of my family home for dinner, so once I got home, my children would be there, we’d have lunch and then get ready for extended family to arrive…when someone unexpected came.

Some of you know that we have lived on a farm in Sumas Prairie, beside the freeway, the highway that takes all sorts of travelers to their destinations, east and west, near and far.  From the very day that we moved into that old farmhouse God had in mind to prepare us for service…to entertain His angels.

Our neighbors had big metal gates with signs that said ‘Keep Out’ or signs that said ‘Beware of Dog’ but we preferred to keep our yard open and they came…they came to ask for help.  They came for a can of gas, for the use of our phone, for a ride, for directions, one or two asked for a place to keep warm and one asked for a knife…which I gave, with a prayer whispered just under my breath.  For some, we called the fire department and others the ambulance. They drove in the yard and walked in off the highway.  They came before the sunrise and well after dark.  They came on sunny days and cold windy nights. They waded through the rain filled ditches and trudged through the snow drifts.  Some of them came bravely up to the door and others afraid to see who would answer their knock. They never stopped coming and we never turned one away, not even the one who asked for a knife.

.

On this day, as we were preparing for lunch we were all talking about the service in church that morning and the talents, thinking, wondering, planning...when there was a knock at the door.  John went to answer it and came back saying, "there is a young fellow at the door; he wants something to eat."  He didn’t want to use the phone or get directions or ask for a ride, he simply wanted something to eat.

Our kids, all at once said, ‘give him the money!’ 

In my mind I thought, I can’t just give him the money, though my heart was pounding.  No, but I would give him something to eat.

  

John was chatting with him outside in the yard and he found out that the young man was traveling from Montreal to Victoria on foot…just one foot.

I brought a plate of food for him and I asked ‘where will you stay when you get to Victoria?’  His answer to me was this "the Good Lord will take care of me there, just as He has this whole trip…you see"  he said  "I am spreading His word along the way, I’m telling as many as I can about what God can do."  At that moment I felt the rush of God. With my heart pounding, I told him the story of what happened in my church that morning and then I gave him the talents.

He ate his lunch and chatted with John, with me and with the dogs.  By this time the rest of my family were arriving…no one saw him walk off or how he got back on the highway or which way he went, he was gone.

 ‘Always entertain strangers for by doing so, you may entertain angels without knowing” 

Hebrews 13:2

We never will know how that angel fared along Gods highway or how his talents multiplied…but we know this, that story was told many times that day…the story of what God can do multiplied.  I don’t know how many times my children or John told the story, but I know this... faith multiplied. 

That was the last angel we entertained there…what a wonderful way to end 16 years of serving strangers…with the story of an angel, 100 talents and knowing what God can do.

We moved off the farm a month or so later, October 1, just before the winds came, just before November.  

How are you Doing?

We were talking this morning in church, talking about following God, being obedient, doing what He says, doing this, doing that and what popped up was the question we often ask one another, how are you doing?

We often are more focused on what we are doing rather than who we are doing it for.  It seems we are always thinking of what we are doing and often we take it one step further and focus on what others are doing.  When we meet someone new we often ask them, what do you do? What are you doing with your time?  Sometimes we end up comparing their doing with our own doing.

There are all kinds of doing and of course we were talking this morning about doing for God, but the fact is we displace the doing for God to what are we doing, we are almost selfish in the thoughts about what we do, bragging about doing the right thing, even doing the wrong thing, putting the focus on being proud in serving Him, being obedient to Him…or not.  In our obedience, or in our disobedience, besides affecting our relationship with God we are also affecting one another.

 

Yes, really it does matter what we are doing, what we do affects others, what we do hurts others, but hopefully it blesses others. What we do matters.  A friend of mine, just the other day said to me, “I don’t have to do anything, things will happen and play out just as they should.”  But the truth is we do have to do something, and we are all influenced by what the other does, sometimes in just small seemingly uneventful ways but sometimes in large, big picture, hurtful ways.  Sometimes, and hopefully, more often these influences happen in beautiful, life changing, kind ways.  Truly, small or large, what we do matters, there are those who will be affected…affected by you, how are you doing?

I read a quote the other day; it comes from a book that has recently been made into a movie, a book called 'Cloud Atlas' by David Mitchell…

“Our lives are not our own.  We are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness we birth our future.”

I have been affected by these words, how we are bound to one another, bound by what we do, crimes or kindnesses have effects that can last into the next  generation and the next, not only those that belong to you but also to the generations that belong to those you are doing to.

I want to do better…but doing better is hard work.

Paul says it well, 

“For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do – this I keep doing.”  

                                                                                                            Romans 7:19

How you are doing matters…

How are you doing?

God's Land

I made a solo road trip to Kelowna this weekend, the scenery when I could see it was amazing. On the way there, through the mountains, the roads were clear, edged lightly with fresh snow, the trees along the way on fire with yellows and shades of orange.  The grand mountains towering above everything were frosted with snow; majestic is the name to describe them.

How majestic is your name in all the earth…those words came to mind.

Before long I was driving through the rolling yellow flatlands, dry and long grasses swaying in the wind interspersed with lone tumbleweeds, then on into the hillsides dipping in and out of the valleys, at some points it seemed I was driving through the tops of the trees, their height hidden below in the valleys and then there, a change and I was driving alongside them.  Amongst them were bare hillsides, empty places surrounding circles of trees that stood alone somehow saved from the ravages of the pine beetle…there will always be trouble.

It was a freeing feeling driving solo, taking in God’s creation, processing life’s circumstances, clearing my mind, straightening out choices, right or wrong…hashing it out with God, Him listening, me talking, Him comforting and confirming, me listening.  There is nothing like a drive to clear up your mind from the fog of life.

I drove through some fog on the way there and again on the way home, it is a little scary, just when you are noticing the beauty of the world around you, there you are socked in, the world faded away from around you and there is nothing.  It actually becomes hard to breathe when you find yourself in the fog it is all you can do to stop the panic from entering in.  Interesting don’t you think, one moment you are entirely clear and the next moment all is gone, clarity, peace, safety, any sense at all, gone.

 

When the mountains have had a dusting of snow every detail becomes clear, the lay of the land becomes more pronounced, every crevice, valley, rock face and sheer cliff side stand out. Every forward, back and far slope revealed. Every place where trees have been lost lay low, every rockslide bare and every logging road traced out for all to see, the truth of the land, God’s land, God’s truth.  And then the fog comes down covers and fills every space, every detail, the very air we breathe, it’s like you lose track of the truth.

Ah, but the truth is, don’t panic, there will always be trouble, the fog will lift…it will.

And then, what a beautiful world we will find ourselves in, when we trust God to take us from place to place.  Trust Him, grace is just around the corner through the trees, over the hills, through the flat lands…into God’s land...into God's truth.

I love that.