Learning From David

We have been hearing a lot of David these days…these past weeks of Sundays.  Listening, hearing and learning from David. I have done studies on David at other times as well; some of his stories are my favorites; the time he fights Goliath with a slingshot and a stone; when he cuts the corner of Saul’s cape rather than killing him; when he dances in the street worshipping God and even the story of Bathsheba; the story of Solomon his son and of course that he is in fact the line from where Christ comes…who wouldn’t love him, a man after Gods own heart…perfect.

But David is not perfect.

What have I been learning from David, what do I love about him?

I have seen for myself, that life happens in seasons, some are longer than others...and three things I know; life is beautiful; life is hard; and life never stays the same.  I love that we  see all of David's seasons, the good and the bad, the high roads and the low roads.  I love that through it all he relies on God for everything; He cries out to Him in pain and rejoices with Him in thanksgiving.  He weeps and begs and laments, always coming to the knowledge  that God is with Him and even when the bible doesn’t exactly say so, those times of overacting and over reacting; even in those times, he knows he belongs to God, I believe it, I’m sure of it. 

One of the things we do, when we read his story is that we assume that adultery and yes even plotting murder are the worst sins, but the truth is God does not play favorites with sin, to Him, one sin is as bad as another.  The thing that we need to assume is that God loves us no matter what, that He will forgive, He will grant grace, amazing grace.  We simply need to keep Him in the picture.  We need to remember His faith in us.  We need to remember that we can trust Him…that even when we fail in the moment, we can turn and see Him there.  David always turns.

Like it was for David, life is hard, it is a series of challenges and difficulties, choosing responses…but it is also peppered with handfuls of joy…wait for it.

In 2 Samuel, the bible says that God incites David...the same story in Chronicles says that Satan provokes David.  Does God test us and tempt us?  Does He allow Satan to tempt us? Does God want to see how we will respond to any given sin that we find ourselves mixed up in?  Does God allow things to happen to get in the way of anything getting out of control?  Can God at any moment change the circumstances we find ourselves in?  Can God place something in the way of a circumstance from even happening?   Yes, yes and yes.  God can either do anything and everything…or He can’t.

 

About David, God says, “…he will do everything I want him to do.”

For some reason, God was there at David’s side,  guarding all his steps, helping him in his battles, giving him strength and guidance, but sometimes He was not so near…at least it didn’t seem so; battles were not won, strength was sapped and wrong choices were made.  This is how it is for us too, for me…sometimes God allows certain things to happen and in those times I crash.  Sometimes God gets in the way of the thing happening and it is not until hind sight that I realize how He saved me from crashing.  And sometimes, right in the moment, I am in awe at His amazing grace given to a sinner like me.  He is always nearby.

There but for the grace of God go I…

God could have struck David down, dead, like Uzzah, when he handled the ark wrongly, or like Ananias and Sapphira when they held back money.  But, He didn’t, He didn’t strike down David, He offered grace and mercy and tears. 

David was a man after God’s own heart.

I am not perfect, I am a sinner, in some seasons more than others …but more than that, I am a woman after Gods own heart.  He has offered me grace and mercy and He has wept with me. 

This is what I love about David, he is not perfect, yet he is a man after God’s own heart…just like me.

"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect."

2 Samuel 22:33

What I have learned from David is what I know about God.

I love that.

Do You See Him?

I have just recently come back from Ontario, where it was still cold, the leaves were only thinking of peeking out.  The farmers were getting ready to work in their fields, looking up checking the skies.  The tulips were popping, just barely, through the black dirt and the children were threatening bare feet…waiting.  Here, we are over grown with the fullness of spring!

 

The differences amazing, but despite the appearance of the land, the feel of the air or the habits of farmers and children, one thing remains the same, that is the presence of God…He is all around, here and there…I love that!

I have just finished a bible study with some of my friends, it was all about living in the presence of God, looking for Him, expecting Him…seeing Him there. We were encouraged to journal the moments where we saw God, where we were in His presence.  An exercise that I have already been practicing, but mostly from the view of thankfulness; writing down the gifts that come my way every day, filling the moments and ultimately the pages of my journal; loving moments, sad hard moments, yes even there something to be thankful for.  But this assignment was just a bit different...do I see God standing there beside me in the midst of the moments, not only the ones I am thankful for but also the moments that just are?

I began my new challenge looking for God in my every day, ordinary life; my sleeping, eating, going to work and walking around life…I just kept my eyes open.  Waking up in the morning to where I live, listening to the rain, in the phone call from a friend, keeping up with my grandchildren as they ran with my dog, in those I help at the hospital, compassion, people talking, sharing their stories; in the trees blossoming, in the smell of them, in the warmth of the sun; in hard decisions, in the reasoning of them and in the wanting, yes even there…the divine expectation of seeing God right there.  Do you see Him?

In His presence; there He is sitting at the table with my grandchildren enjoying the jumble of their activity, in a simulcast, a set-up…His plan, there He is. Here with my cousins, finishing a lesson. In a movie theatre with Noah; walking around the hospital beds, in and out looking, talking, touching, comforting;  Him sitting on the edge of my chair, in my comfort, giving me comfort, loving me…have you not heard, do you not know?  Do you see Him?

In my rest, I see Him, Him with me as I purposely stay put, in my place in His peace.  I see Him there, with me stretched out over Johns place in the cemetery, tears, peace, quiet, ultimate rest, yes, here He is. He is here too, silently listening to the birds, the water rippling in the warmth of the sun, standing at my window, seeing what I see; around my table wondering about my endless papers and pages and notes.  Him encouraging me in my ‘I’m sorry’ and Him there, watching the moon slipping up through the clouds rising up and up and up…would someone please look up at the moon…Hello God!  Do you see Him?

I see Him in words; In the words of authors of books and articles in newspapers; in the words of a mother entreating Daddy to be sweet to his little girl cause mommy had been dragging her around all day; in the words of a wife encouraging her husband, giving him confirmation, and in the words of little grandchildren running ahead, little legs and arms, heads turning back to me, calling my name; in the words of my daughters prayers, her husbands and her children; I saw Him in the words and music of the Listowel Christian School, sweet sounds that filled the spaces, the cracks and crevices, leaking out through the windows and doors spilling out with the children who go there!  Do you see Him?

Amongst my friends; there He is serving up tea and scones to a table full; with an unforgiving friend, even there, Him telling me to forgive her for she does not know what she is doing; and Him standing just to the right enjoying the same sweet smile I enjoy...the sweetest thing…with every ‘good morning’; and just like the friends walking the road to Emmaus, He joins in, sharing in the moments…tell me, do you see Him?

I see Him, in every word, at every turn, whether in a plane soaring above the mountains, into the clouds, His very space of Heaven or whether it is in His amazing grace, seeing Him, feeling it true, His words, His music, in my space of rest…Him intertwined with me.

Seeing God, living in His presence…I see Him in everything I do, nothing can be done without Him standing by… yes even there.

I love that.

At the Proper Time

Friends talking, preaching, hoping, praying, washing feet, breaking bread, drinking this in my name, amazing grace, blood sweat and tears, friends sleeping, a kiss, betrayal, thorns, spit, a cross, nails, death, darkness, curtains ripping, sun darkening, a tomb, a stone...rolling away, empty, beyond expectations...new life; He lives!

Friends, why so sad, wake up!  I have just been to the tomb, the tomb is empty, He lives; I have spoken to Him; Jesus is alive…let’s rejoice!

Amazing grace.

I was in the Easter service this morning…I was supposed to be in the early service and in the second service; accidents happen, that's what my son said.  Last night we had the practice; all the children, signs, flowers, streamers, happy faces singing and me…me, forgetting my words; feeling sad, betrayed by my own memory!  When the time was done, I asked the children to pray for me, that I might remember my words; they all assured me they would, pray, hard. I asked some friends to pray too, some gave encouragement, some brought paska, late at night, in their pajamas.

So the morning came and I was ready, more than ready, prepared, prayed over and in costume, I only needed to wait for the proper time.  The proper time, ahh, but not the right time; a phone call, where are you?  I missed the first service, betrayed by my own mind, yes late for the show!

But all was not lost, I was forgiven and the fact remains God does not need a perfect program to portray his message, He simply needs imperfect people to share His message…and I did, in the second service.

Here are my words…said in the character of Mary Magdalene in front of the children who had just sang Oh Happy Day while waving their streamers and flags with happy faces and the congregation of the second service…perfect.

The Easter lily, isn't it beautiful, tradition says that these flowers sprang up in the field around the place where Jesus died on the cross. The  bulb, the seed that grows a lily, it looks dead, but it’s not; once it is buried in the ground, in just a few days, it will come to life and in the proper time it will spring up into this beautiful lily. This reminds us of Jesus…He had to die on the cross and He had to be buried in a tomb…but He didn’t stay dead.  In just three days He came back to life.  He rose to heaven…and in the proper time He will come again.

Everything about this flower tells the story of Jesus.

The lily has the sweetest scent…the bible says that Jesus is a sweet aroma like a lily.

Its petals are perfect white…white as snow…like Jesus who has no sin.

The flower is the shape of a trumpet…a trumpet calling out the good news…this is the day the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Yes, the good news, God loved us so much, that He sent His only son to die for us, to save us from our sins and to make a way for eternal life…

Jesus and new life, He wants us to live a new life.

Bury His seed in your heart, and He will live in you…and in the proper time 

we all will live with Him forever.

Today we celebrate and rejoice that…yes…Jesus lives!

Amazing Grace.

I love that.

I am Second

Life is full of choices, sometimes it is really easy to make the right one, sometimes it is not and lives are affected, I am affected.  I truly wish that I would always make the right choice, do the right thing, not hurt anyone, leave everything unaffected, but here I go again, I do it over and over, when will I ever learn!

But, I am an overcomer, I figure it out, I always figure it out.

 

I watched the cutest little video the other day, a little girl was meeting her new baby sister for the first time, admiring her, loving her, touching her; when the baby began to cry, the little girl sat back clapping her hands together in the amazement of it.  Then the little girl looked down at her baby sister, and looking deep into her face she said, “You okay, you okay, you okay.  You fine, you fine, you fine…” She never stopped, encouraging, loving, confirming safety to her new baby sister, that all will be well. 

This is how I feel; covered, as if there is someone hovering over me, in the deepest, loving way; confirming that all will be well… you okay, you okay, you fine, you fine. What a comfort, such an amazing little phrase of encouragement, little splashes of confirmation, yes, I will be okay.  When I hear them spoken in the spaces around me, little flutters of joy, my face breaks out in smile, and I know I will be fine.  I wrote these words on the wall in my room, so that even in my everyday going about, being busy and also not so busy times, the down times, I will be reminded.

Being reminded; reminded of just one more thing, life is not all about me; there’s a surprise, what was I thinking, why do I get caught up in that every time? Well not every time, certainly not always, but sometimes.  Everyone does at some time or other, but the fact is, none of it is about us.  Life is about how we respond to it.  Seems simple doesn’t it, responding to life; life given us by the grace of God, God in us, God’s story, us in it…how then will we live, how then will I live? 

How I need to live, is to decide to be second in every story, with every friend, in every relationship, giving all of my people and even those on the edges of my circle; consideration, patience, persevering with them, enduring with them, loving them…all of these before my needs, giving, giving always gets; getting more in return, more than a person ever bargained for. Yes, I want that.  But more than that; God first, I want that. 

How I want to live, how I need to live is all dependent on where I place God, His word, His story…that will be first; God first, me second.

Yes, this is the way, walk in it, but the gate is narrow and the way is hard…yes, I know this, but I am okay, I am fine, I am second.

I love that.

What Did I Find at the Sea?

"For whatever we lose (like a you or a me) it’s always ourselves we find at the sea."

ee cummings

I had a dream not that long ago, shortly after I moved in to my lake house, a dream of water rolling over and over; I couldn’t see me, just the water, yet, I was somehow in the midst of it, not overcome by it, certainly not drowning nor even struggling, just in it, peaceful somehow.  Changed, maybe…or maybe found; yes, found I think.

When I was in Mexico, my last night there, I was taking in the beginnings of a storm, the sky growing dark, waves of the sea splashing up and over the rocks that lay just a few steps away; feeling the spray.  I was in conversation with a young woman, a friend I had made, her husband sat nearby with the babies hushing them to sleep.  We talked about many things, hard things, life, death; I shared with her the story of John and she was amazed, her eyes searched my soul, deep and after a time, asked... “How have you been changed?”  I was affected by her question, not that I didn’t know the answer but that I felt like it wasn’t her asking the question…I told her, I have seen the grace of God and every moment of every day I see glimpses of Him, His grace, His beauty; everything I do is intertwined with Him and…and I am living a brave new life.

True, even in the midst of mistakes I have made, even in the midst of brokenness and loss, even in spite of my everyday walking about life I can see the beauty, even in the bad.  I love that.

I am not perfect.

I am a sinner.

There have been times in my life; one or two things that happened to me that I never told John, I have never told my children; one or two things, that I am not proud of, but I have done them.  I have confessed them to God, oh yes, He knows, He was right there when they happened.  I love knowing that, God with me, standing beside me, knowing, watching, weeping…right there with me; amazing Grace even then, even in those days and yes even now, even in this…this walking about everyday life.

I’ve heard it said that confession is everything, confess to one another, yes, I get that, I believe it.  Christ said, go and tell everyone what has happened to you.  But sometimes He said, now go and tell no one, I believe that too, some things are between Him and me.

If I were to tell you just this one thing about myself, surely you would say “this must be your greatest sin.”  We think it is about our greatest sin, but God doesn’t care about our greatest sin.  What He cares about is what we do with it…where do we go from there…what do we do with our mistakes, our brokenness, our loss?  How will it change us, how has it changed me?   I have let Him help me work it out , those days and especially these days; I have looked for God’s grace…I have been changed and I see that which could be my greatest sin is in fact my greatest gift;  amazing grace.

So I am not perfect, I want to be, I really do, but it’s not going to happen, not on this side of eternity.  Yes, we are made in God’s image but all have fallen short, you and I, yet there is hope in our stories of brokenness and loss.

Grace was made for people like me, and for people like you, how perfect is that?

What did I find at the sea?  I found me…changed; changed over time, I’m not who I have been.

I love that.

Words Can Change a Mind

“The heart is not so easily changed but the head can be persuaded”

from the movie Frozen

I just love these words, a heart loves who it loves, it is difficult to change that but the head, that’s another story, words can change a mind…I love that.

I just came home from an amazing little holiday in Mexico, solo…I had the best time…snorkeling, swimming, scuba diving, eating, talking, reading, sleeping, simply doing whatever I wanted…yes, amazing!

On the way home I watched a movie that my granddaughters have been obsessed with and I thought, ‘here is my chance.’  Frozen, a really sweet Disney movie about love, true love… and yes a kiss is needed.  Of course I love that, who wouldn’t?  But here is the twist, it is not the love of Prince Charming, his sweet kiss, but the love found between sisters, the love of family, true love.  And it is this love that saves the day…perfect.

This little movie has all sorts of trouble, just like my life; just like yours; trouble, trouble, boil and bubble…will we ever really be out of it?  Sometimes we are and it seems like sweet sailing, life is good, look at me!  But then a storm comes out of nowhere, it seems like these rough waves will never end, life is hard, save me!  Sometimes, we don’t even know we are in trouble and it seems like easy street, life is a masquerade, it all depends on me!

It all depends on me…lonely words, don’t you think?  I liked Rob’s sermon this morning, talking about fools and correction, teaching and being reminded, being open to the advice of others, being open to change. This little movie was about that too, a sister who thought she could not be changed, that she could not be loved, that she was not redeemable and it was about another sister who was trying to convince that all these could be true, that indeed they were true…and that she was worth the convincing.

I have had all of these thoughts today, about God’s word, the story of David, Nabal and Abigail, a story of poor decisions, life, trouble, correction and what it takes to change direction all in the midst of a Disney movie…how simple is that. 

In the midst of my trouble, I want to know God’s grace, I want to be teachable and I want someone to come alongside me to remind me of who I am, to convince me that I am worth it, to help me see that I am heading for open seas, to let me know it would be better to turn around to safer waters.  Yes, I want someone like that to save my day.  But someone like that needs to do it all out of love and this in the end is the only way.

The greatest of these is love; Jesus says these words, given as a gift, an instruction, important above all to living, to living in the midst of this life, an instruction that puts focus on a response that in the end will always save the day.  Words said in love can change a mind.

I love that.

Even the Bad is Beautiful

I watched Cinderella with Anna and Sara the other night, all snuggled up on the couch eating popcorn; at that moment everything was good in the world...with all of this beside me and Cinderella in front of me, how could it not be so.  

Cinderella says “A dream is a wish your heart makes”

I love that; the sweetest words.  Dreaming and wishing and hoping and praying ; hearts talking.

Wouldn’t it be so great if all our wishes came true; if we had all the things our heart desired, I would love that.  But Jesus said there would be trouble…He said that we would have trouble.  And we do, the whole of the world is filled with trouble.  Once we hear a story we think, how terrible, nothing could be worse than that…nothing could be sadder than that…nothing could be harder than that and then, there it is, something worse, something harder, something sadder…more trouble.

Life is hard, we all have stories; hard knocks, disaster, loss, death…this is what life is.  No, it wasn’t intended to be that way but it is. How to deal with it?  How to survive? How to come out of all this trouble with something good?

Last week I read three stories on the same day not knowing that they would be the same story, one was about the oldest Holocaust survivor, Alice Herz Sommer, she died that day…one was about Dean Koontz, a well known author of horror and mystery books, he was interviewed that day. And the other one was from Max Lucado; I read the last chapter of his book that day.

Alice survived the holocaust, she died after having lived a long life, all quiet in her bed, but in her living she suffered immeasurably, witnessed horror, and lost a life of innocence and wealth, but this is what she said,  “Even in very difficult situations there are beautiful moments, it doesn’t exist in our world only bad.  Even the bad is beautiful I would say…even the bad is beautiful…it has to be.  Be aware of the beauty of life.”

In the midst of my hard stories, I don’t see the beauty right away but eventually I do…I do.

My sister was reading Dean Koontz and asked me if he could be a Christian, she said his books are threaded with ideas and thoughts and patterns of faith…so I searched out his story for her and found trouble.  Dean was raised in the United Church but he was abused by his father, he suffered immeasurably, witnessed violence and lost a life of innocence in poverty.  This is what he said, “Everything you go through in life is meant to instruct you.  Eventually you realize that your experiences are lessons to help you understand the meaning and purpose to your existence.  As a boy, I yearned for a normal life, but later I understood that the darkness of my childhood was in a strange way a gift.  The benefit was to show me that there is evil in the world and that you have to find your way through it, reject it and find other ways to live, and not let it destroy you…life isn’t all about want and suffering.  My life has shown me that evil can win in the short run, but it never wins in the long run.”

In the midst of my story I often think that trouble is winning but never for long… soon, I find the gift…I do.

Max Lucado’s book is all about trouble and how to get through it, he especially uses the story of Joseph.  Genesis 39-50 tells the story; Joseph is thrown into a pit, left to die, sold out by his brothers…for 20 years he is lost to his family. This is what he said, when he comes up in front of his brothers, “Don’t be afraid.  Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

But God intended it for good, I don’t always understand God’s intentions but I try to see the good…I do.

I feel honored to have read these three stories, especially all at once; it validates the fact that we all have our stories, that even though they are momentary in the light of eternity, they are meaningful.

More than dreams and wishes, wouldn’t it be great if we all could understand our experiences in these ways... intentionally finding the beauty in the bad, discovering the gift from evil and seeing the good out of the harm...yes.

Max Lucado calls it  evil. god.good.

I love that.

This is How Love Wins

The place where shame and grace collide...how amazing.

I love that.

Gone With the Wind

“You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows”

Bob Dylan

I watched the sky move last night, after the rain stopped the clouds lifted and drifted off; the stars poked out and laid out all around them was the blackness of the space beyond…amazing night.

Amazing how things can change so quickly, I was just hunkering down for a good winter storm and out come the stars!

I watched the sky…clouds skiffing by, teasing the stars masquerading as will-o-wisps, dancing past, rearranging themselves into living creatures, angels, animals, lions, bears; silent, still, but on the move.  Soundless roars, paws lifted, morphing into waves, waves of ocean spray rolling over each other like the bottom of Niagra Falls, rushing, blowing in the wind, filling in the black empty spaces that are now gone with the wind.

Amazing how things can change so quickly, like the blink of an eye really, here today, gone tomorrow…life changes too, just like that…in the blink of an eye.

I watched ‘Gone with the Wind’ this past week, there had been some talk in our Bible study about it, in fact a bit of it was used by the author of the study we are in the midst of and I wanted to see what the reference was about, maybe settle a bit of the controversy that had crept up around it.  I watched the whole four hours, well, broken between two evenings, I loved it; I could hardly wait for the next evening when I could continue the saga.   What I found was a story of a young woman whose life is in constant change and how she makes her way through the challenges, how sometimes she is the blame for the changes and how sometimes she has no control at all, her world is caught up in winds of change…changing in a way that things will never be the same again…her world, gone with the wind.

It is this way for us too, some changes we have no control over, yet we need to make responses while living in the midst of it; the wind blowing all around us.  Have you ever been out in the wind and your breath seems to be sucked from you and you gasp, feeling caught up, lost in the wind, your very breath, gone with the wind? 

I have, I know the feeling and I know this…I need to stand, to simply stand, the breath comes back and I carry on through the storm. 

Some circumstances are beyond our control; whether it is war, sickness or death, fire, flood or wind…stand your ground.

“Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day comes,

you may be able to stand your ground and after you have done everything, just stand”

Ephesians 6:13

So, I watched the sky move, I wondered about the rain… gone for the moment; the stars twinkling bright, the clouds rolling past, blowing in the wind…God whispering good night.

I love that.

A Man Changed

Nothing ever stays the same, sometimes we love that, sometimes we yearn for change, and we beg God for it.  God, help me to get out of this circumstance, please give me a different life, couldn’t I please live in a more beautiful house, a bigger town, a better weather pattern…God, please give me something different…I need a change!

Sometimes we want people to change, we want a better life and we beg God for it.  God, please change my spouse, change the attitude of my children, please help change the heart of this stubborn person…God please change me!

Yes, we sometimes want change because we are in a rut, sometimes because we are sad, sometimes because we are hurt, and sometimes we want change so that our life will be perfect…perfect in our eyes, yes a change is as good as a rest. 

Sometimes we don’t want change at all, sometimes we want everything to stay the same, saying things like; this is the way I like it, don’t fix it if it ain’t broken, please just leave it as it is, this is perfect as is and in angry voices we say, don’t change anything, just leave it!

Sometimes change happens so slowly that we don’t even realize anything changed, until someone points it out…do you remember when things were this way?

Sometimes change catches us off guard, we didn’t expect it and it affects our heart and soul, sometimes in an awesome amazing way, in a way that we can’t believe our good fortune, our heart cannot contain the joy; a new baby, a new job, a wedding, a marriage, a new life.  

Sometimes change catches us off guard and it affects our heart and soul in a way that we can barely breathe, tears flow, hearts break, souls hurt  and we can clearly see that things will never be the same again…ever.

 

John’s Dad has been in hospital care for well over a month, he has just been moved to a care home, we are hoping that he will be able to be moved to the place where he has enjoyed life for the last few years…we are hoping.  He is not sick, he does not need all sorts of medication, he is not on any life support, but he needs help to do the basic things, necessary things to make him comfortable.  He has changed. Before he went into the hospital my son brought him out for a visit and we saw him changed,  ”Mom something is different about Grampa...”

When a man changes it is noticed. 

Dad was known to all of us as a man with a definite outlook; he was steadfast in his views, holding them tight; whether it was the views of his faith, politics or family life.  He was a hard worker, always on the lookout for a job to do, sometimes to make money, sometimes to be important. He very often was outspoken, stating his views to the world, once in a while he looked out for the other guy and stepped in to help but not always. He was a man of pride and strength, steel and iron…he had a hard knocks life but he also was the father and grandfather of many blessings, sometimes he didn’t know it, at least he didn’t speak it, but deep inside I believe he knew it. 

He was a hard boss, a hard father and a hard husband for most of the years that I have known him but I saw him change.  When John was dying, he came near to him and asked for forgiveness, a hard thing to say, a hard thing to do…a father changed.  Before John, he lost other loved ones, his grandson, his youngest son, his wife, his brother; a lot of loss, a lot of tears…tears soften the soul.  Dad changed, a softer man, a softer heart, I saw that, I know that.  

But now, Dad has changed again, after suffering a small stroke, his heart has softened more, along with his soul.  He is sweeter, he doesn’t know he is sweeter, it might even make him mad if he did, but he is, he is changed.  He doesn’t know everyone anymore, some he calls by the wrong name, some names he can’t recall at all, he can’t understand where he is…but his face lights up when he sees a face he knows, he can still play the piano, he smiles at remembering something, and sometimes his eyes glass over and a tear falls.

This is a new life for him and for us…a man changed.

Nothing ever stays the same.

Glorious

Oh my!  

I sat out on my patio this morning sipping my tea taking in the sunshine and the traffic going past…not the traffic of cars and trucks but of people; families, moms and dads, children, grandparents, joggers, lovers.  I hear bits of their conversation, calling out for their children to wait up, talking about the weather, laughing, loving…glorious.

I moved back to a place very close to where I grew up...my old stomping grounds, the place where I scrambled through blackberry bushes and bull rushes and ran down roads past the homes of my friends to the home where I spent the whole of my childhood, all my teen years, the home where I brought John to meet my parents and where I bring my grandchildren still.

This place, where I have moved  is surrounded by  old memories… the old willow tree still stands there guarding the place at the edge of the lake where I sat with my friends into the night, talking of secrets and life; a  simpler time when all we knew  was each other, our homes and our hiding places. 

There is an old fir tree that marks the place where my friend lived with his family, the only living thing left of the home that was a neighbour to all the homes that once lined this street; homes belonging to the Jansen’s, Reeve’s, Zomar’s and others.  School time friends, I hear their voices still, ringing out into the air of the park reminding me of our adventures in the yards that edged the lake; a playground of exploring while we were younger and a hiding place for secrets, friendships and freedom.

The old fir tree is home to an old clothes line reel, so imbedded into the bark that there will be no turning.  The reel has been wrapped around by the tree itself, a bit of the line still hanging, dangling with no length, no longer even wanting to hold the clothes that once hung there… only holding the stories of what happened in the yards that spilled out from there and the children who played under it.

I bought a townhouse that sits on the edge of Mill Lake; I look out every morning to the water...sunshine glistening off it, ducks and geese flocking to it, eagles soaring over it and people walking all around it...glorious. 

Last night I was awakened to see the moon…casting a spectacular light that flooded my room and I got up to see more.  Imagine the moon, just half of its glory, but as bright and white as it ever has been, ever…brighter…haloed by a moon dog, glowing so large around it as to make it all seem twice the size!  And then imagine it again reflected in the stillness of the lake below.  Identical twins sharing beauty…I could not take my eyes from it…glorious.

Hello God! 

Man, I live in a beautiful place…and how can I sleep at night when God is performing this show, this amazing production on the other side of my window…stars glittering, joy resting, sun rising, peace dancing...home.

I love that.

The Best Words a Heart Can Speak

I had a few things happen to me during this past week, things that saddened me, not horrible, but still…I cried.

These kinds of things happen to everyone, I know that, everyday things that sometimes wouldn’t even make you sad, but sometimes they do; some things that are meant to hurt and they hit the heart hard, bursting it in two; some  things happen that are not meant to hurt at all, but still, they do…some things haven't even happened to you but you feel it. Some things happen that are not horrible but still, you cry.

Of course I’m not fond of these moments, the tear filled hours, the days of feeling unknown, alone and tear swollen but there is a purpose; tears soften the soul.

Tears…sometimes they are the best words a heart can speak, I love that, I do.

I very nearly fell asleep with them but I didn’t, my heart heard the words and came around to peace, I love that too, I do.

My bedroom window  is large, a patio door actually and I leave the curtains pulled back giving me the pleasure of looking out to the lights reflecting off the lake and the stars out in the further distance…beauty.  I awoke this morning to a beautiful sunrise all pink, cloud streaked, the lake reflecting the soft color, sparkling and I thanked God for this view!

No sooner had I moved than my phone rang, the voice of a friend, one I hadn’t expected, sweet words, kind, thoughtful, funny…I laughed…how amazing to be greeted by the unexpected and I thanked God for this friend.

I hung up and wandered to my mirror, I could plainly see this was going to be a good hair day, an unimportant fact really but still every woman, maybe even the men know a bad hair day can affect everything; but clearly this was going to be a good day…yay for me and smiling, I silently sent a thankful word to God.

Downstairs for a cup of tea, waiting for the water to boil I looked to my newly decorated wall; decorated with framed photos of my grandchildren and their parents, everyone beautiful, “Thank-you for this amazing mix of little characters and the folks that shape them…too much!”

Oh man, here is the mail I haven’t touched for a few days; nothing fun, bills; thankfully I have money to pay them and then, yes, one late delivered Christmas card…perfect.

So, all ready, in my ‘truck’ (it is not a van or a car) dog fed and walked, garage door closed and on my way, listening to the radio, taking in the music and hearing the words of the announcer…

 “What if you only had the things you thanked God for this morning?”

I was amazed, the world around me stopped, in awe I smiled; what if those were the only things I had?

...a beautiful world, a wonderful family, a good friend, money and great hair!

Who could ask for anything more!  Being thankful...the best words a heart can speak.

I love that.

A Whirlwind

I had the most eventful year; it was a whirlwind of time, of adventure, of loss, of laughter and tears…a whirlwind of life.

In the old year, I flew off on an adventure to a land of amazing history, a land that speaks out from the very ground, all around the words of people long gone, prophets, men of armies long ago and now, women who cared for their men and lost their children, prophets calling out God’s truth…Christ, God himself , words and steps and tears...calling from the ground filling the air, so much that I did not know which way to look, to hear, to taste…Israel, a whirlwind of adventure, a whirlwind of time.

In the old year, I witnessed death once more; death, the thing we are all born to do…the thing that is so full of grieving, so final, that it is indeed life itself, for it is something that never leaves, it is a breathing in and out, seeing, watching, waiting, breathing in and out, as natural as that…as hard as that…I watched and heard and felt that last breath, my Dad's breath…a whirlwind of loss.

In the old year, I sold my home, the last home I lived together with a man whom I grew up with but would not grow old with; a home full of memories, family, laughter, building, making new…new dreams…almost as many as those that filled our whole life together, his life lost there, so short, the blink of an eye, yet it was a lifetime. So, yes, in the old year I sold my home…a whirlwind of packing up memories, some in boxes and some blown in the wind.

In the old year I bought a new home; a home that when I first saw it I knew it was mine, before I gave a penny, before I brought a piece of myself or my life into it…I knew it was mine.  A new home that speaks of peace and healing and breathing, a home that calls out forgiveness, laughter, life…a new home already filled with God’s blessings, His grace, His love.  A new home full of life, breathing in and out and whispering; whispering new life.

And in between all these were other days too, days full of moments blowing about filling all the spaces that were there to fill, friends loving, family wanting, time spinning...some with tears and some filled with laughter, the laughter of my grandchildren those here who live close by and those who came from Ontario bringing with them long awaited hugs and love and energy, all of it surely lasting to the next visit...it has to. 

All these eventful days blowing in and out, here and there, chasing out the old year and bringing with them all the new that is about to begin.

I am about to enter another whirlwind…

I love that.

Handfuls of Glitter

I have been packing up my house, taking pictures off walls, emptying book shelves, cleaning closets, emptying them; packing away mementos and keepsakes, all of it into boxes or onto piles waiting to be wrapped with paper.  All the photos of my family taken down, held in my hands, memories packed tidily away.

I am moving, packing up all of my things…my things.  Mementos of my travels to Israel, reminders of an amazing trip that happened nearly six months ago, mementos packed, time passed, moments gone.  There are other things, baby toys, stored diapers and soothers, no longer needed, babies growing up…out grown all of these.  Ah and there are these; things I had slipped away a life time ago, John’s things, quietly waiting to be looked at again, touched…tucked away, waiting for a time such as this.

I am moving…leaving this beautiful place, the memories I am taking with me, the sad ones letting blow with the wind, the glad ones melting my heart.  I have lived here for six years, this day being very nearly the exact day John and I bought this home; six years ago, not a long time, but a life time…two years with John and four years without him.  And this day is his day November 22, four years gone. Four years, it seems in the blink of an eye but yet it seems like a life time ago.  Four years…where has the time gone, not to mention that life…the life of having someone by my side, in the cold of the night and in the walking about of the day?

Waiting, but not alone, certainly not in the desert, no, it has not been where I have felt deserted; on the contrary I have not been alone at all, God has been with me every step of the way, while he has not given me this one thing, filled this empty place beside me, He has given me immeasurably more; my children, ten growing up grandchildren, my people, good friends, experiences, amazing adventures, sweet dreams, handfuls of glitter, moments of grace, comfort, His strong arm around me…me tucked under the feathers of His love.  Who could ask for more, even in the midst of my losses, He has given me one blessing after another.

  

Truly, as I look around this house, going from room to room, my eyes taking in the empty walls and vacant shelves, seeing these stacks of memories, even the mementos already packed away in brown boxes and these here, waiting, I think, this is it, my life.  My life, being packed up, but thankfully it’s not an ending, it is a beginning…my time here is done, I’m on my way into a new chapter, new life…and I’m okay with that.

With all that I’ve done and seen and shared….with all that I have felt and experienced and known…everything that has been built up and fought for….for all that I have joyed in and laughed over…yes, even cried, sad mad tears and those wept in awesome wonder…through all of it, these things that can’t be packed away in boxes or stacked up in piles, through all of this John would be happy for me...I know that.

“Hey Bud, come on, I’m ready, let’s go”…here he comes, throwing handfuls of glitter, all smiles, taking the credit, but proud so proud.

Him proud of me, I love that.

What do You See?

When Potiphar saw that the LORD was with him and that the LORD gave him success in everything he did, Joseph found favor in his eyes and became his attendant....Later while Joseph was in prison, the warden saw that the LORD was with him, so the warden put Joseph in charge of all that was done there.  

Genesis 40:3-21

I found it interesting that Potiphar, as well as the warden, saw that God was with Joseph, but his brothers did not…why is that do you think?

Potiphar and the prison warden were Egyptians, yet they were open to the fact that God worked through people, they understood that the attributes and actions of those in favor with God were worth being around, that they had something to offer.  Even though they were Egyptians they could still see God and the hand He had in Joseph’s life.   I found it interesting that Joseph’s brothers who were Israelites, who were born and raised with the teachings of God, could not see that God was with Joseph…why is that?

Some like to say that Joseph was spoiled, he was, the Bible says so; it says that Jacob “loved Joseph more than any of his other sons.”  Some like to say that he was spoiled rotten, maybe even obnoxious, I'm not so sure; the Bible doesn’t say so.  But it does say that the brothers were jealous, it says that the brothers hated Joseph because they “saw their Father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not say a kind word to him.”  They could not see God was with him because they could only see hate; hate and jealousy.

Joseph was their brother and all of them were raised with teachings of God, yet they could not see God, only hatred, only jealousy and murderous thoughts, they didn’t care that Joseph may have had dreams from God; they only knew that it was not in favor of them.  Jealousy causes suffering; it blinds the eyes to see what is really there.

How often do we see someone who is succeeding and place a label of spoiled rotten on them, we are jealous and respond in line with that thinking, with hate and anger.  We want what they have and in order to get whatever it is they have, we plot and hate and like Joseph’s brothers, sometimes hold thoughts of murder. Thoughts of jealousy blind us to anything good at all.

I can think of several times where my jealousy has limited my view of God, I’m sure you can too…times where feelings of hate and anger overtook seeing God, let alone anything good at all.

Wouldn’t it be great that when we are dealing with one another, instead of seeing the things that make us jealous, things that cause hurt and anger and disagreement, we could see that God was with them?

This is hard to do, I know that.  I have been taught the hope and faith and joy and loving kindness of God, I know God, yet sometimes I cannot see that God is with the people I have objection with.  The fact is, and I know this too, God opens the eyes of those to see Himself at work all around.  I want my eyes to be opened, I want to look for good, and I want to see God in those around me.  

God before jealousy…I love that.

This is what I want to see...what do you see?

A Golden Bowl

I went to a retreat on the weekend, a fabulous place of serenity, peace and yes, a dip in the lake!

Yes, it was cold, but so worth it, the next day we talked about being strong and courageous, I was.  My Dad was in this position once, a long time ago.  His choice was to take a dip in the lake to bathe and wash up or to go inside for a warm shower, he chose the latter but always wished he had done the more daring.  I have always thought of that, his little story of regret...I took it in and kept the lesson…do the thing, right then, don’t leave the moment wishing you had.

 

So I did.  I took the plunge, dove right in and man, that was great!  And, I’ll do it again, as long as it’s safe, I’ll do it again!

Diving in, taking the plunge, so great, there is almost nothing better…but on the other hand there is good in waiting too, waiting for the right time…the proper time.

On our retreat we talked about waiting too, waiting on God.  This is something I know a little about, actually I know a lot about it.  I set my prayers on having a Godly husband, thirty-six years I prayed and lamented and waited and prayed and lamented some more, waiting.  At the end of the time, at the proper time, God answered that prayer…and I was amazed.  I received a blessing that was more than I expected, lavishly more.  Waiting; but yet at the proper time

I have just finished up the tail ends of my Dad’s estate, my Dad was sick for 15 years, I prayed for his healing, prayed and lamented and waited and prayed and lamented some more, waiting.  At the end of the time, at the proper time God answered that prayer…and I was amazed, we all were.  We received a blessing that was more than we could have imagined, lavishly more.  Waiting; but yet at the proper time.

Timing is everything.

I find myself waiting again, waiting for the thing, praying, lamenting and waiting some more.  I intend to keep on praying, to keep on waiting because I have seen how God works, more than that, I know how He works.  He works by giving lavishly more!

A friend said to me once, “Do not give up on me.”  I like that phrase…give up?  Never!

"and they were told to wait a little longer..."

I will wait for the right time, yes, waiting and praying for lavishly more, in His time, the proper time.

“An angel, who had a golden bowl came and stood at the altar.  He was given much incense to offer, with the prayers of all the saints on the golden altar before the throne.  The smoke of the incense, together with the prayers of the saints, went up before God from the angel’s hand. Then the angel took the bowl, filled it with fire from the altar, and hurled it on the earth…”                                                                            

Timing is everything…praying is more…and I intend to hurl some from my golden bowl.

Something happens in the heavenlies when we pray...I love that!

Revelation 6:10 and Revelation 8:1-5

Plans and Intentions

I woke up this morning to a beautiful day, sun shining, lawn glistening, looking out the window…everything beautiful.

I noticed my windows need washing and I noticed there was spider webs everywhere, strung from any number of launching places; they too were glistening in the sunshine wet with a bit of dew.    Normally I would have gone out with my broom and swept them all away…but I noticed the spider.  

Have you ever watched a spider weaving his web?  It is a work of art, each thread placed on purpose, with clear intent.  And he keeps going despite the vastness of his job, he simply keeps on keeping on, spinning threads, from here to there, up, across and dropping down.  He has a plan and he is intent on completing it.

This never ending spinning plan is reminding me of the plans I am in the midst of right now, weaving arrangements for my Dads funeral.  It seems a vast job, well, not a job…an honor; an honor to put the final plans to a life well lived, but still vast and deep and hard, hard plans, threads being woven with intention of love.

I am also in the midst of a purchase for a new home, plans being woven in my mind, new ideas; threads of plans and intentions.  But circumstances happen, time gets away and I can see the broom nearby, ready to be picked up to sweep away the web I have been weaving.

I can see it happening, all my plans and intentions torn apart, leaving threads hanging, but I hope not…I pray not and despite the vastness of it, my plan is to keep on keeping on.

   

The spider in my window is still weaving and I will not be taking him down, sweeping away his heart and soul plans.  I will watch him to the end, spinning and weaving, loving his plans, watching them become what he has intended.

Dash his plans, sweep away his dreams?  No, not this time.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD "plans to prosper you 

and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

Jeremiah 29:11

I love that.

One Last Breath

My Dad had been such a strong man for so long, full of hard work and full of pride.  Strong hands, strong minded...and simply wanting some confirmation that he was a good man...he was.

Last week my dad was talking one thousand words, he was talking the words of a man who stood alone but not really alone, even though he didn’t know it these last five days we never left his side, day or night…although maybe he did.  Maybe he did know.

Ahh, life is hard; God never did promise it would be easy. Dad fought a long hard battle, fifteen years of a heart suffering with failure and then in turn more aches and pains, burdens overtaking his body, pains and sores overflowing with blood sweat and tears…blood, sweat and tears. 

God never did promise it would be easy.

Dad wanted it easier, don’t we all, we want to have it easy, but life isn’t that way.   Life is filled with trouble, hard knocks and sad stories.  We all have a story; if we listen we will hear the stories that fill the air all around us, stories that bump into each other in the spaces of our breathing in and out.  Stories that float like clouds over the heads of those we pass every day. We passed through them on the way to Dad’s room, into the staircases and elevators, through the halls, past the rooms whose doors opened to the hallways and all of them speaking into the air that we were walking through; breathing them in.

Breathing in and out, in and out, shallow, rapid, slow…crackling, bubbling, in and out, so hard to hear, so hard to watch, so hard to bear…my Dad’s breath, telling the story of the suffering we have known these last years, these last days, the last moments of his last story.

Part of his last story was how he reconciled to God, how the Chaplain came and ministered to him, prayed with him and listened to the words Dad had to tell, words that were still known, words that came before the one thousand words we couldn’t understand.

 

What a blessing for my Mom to hear the story, the better part, the part that came easy and offered peace…peace at last.

Yes, peace, given freely, given in the way of a moment, in slow motion, in…out…in…out.

We were in awe of the silence...so loud in our ears and hearts, taking it in and the world around us stopped as we listened.

   

In.  Out.  Finished.

It was an honor to witness this last breath; the last part of the story, my Dad’s story.

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace

 I love that…Good bye Dad