I have been packing up my house, taking pictures off walls, emptying book shelves, cleaning closets, emptying them; packing away mementos and keepsakes, all of it into boxes or onto piles waiting to be wrapped with paper. All the photos of my family taken down, held in my hands, memories packed tidily away.
I am moving, packing up all of my things…my things. Mementos of my travels to Israel, reminders of an amazing trip that happened nearly six months ago, mementos packed, time passed, moments gone. There are other things, baby toys, stored diapers and soothers, no longer needed, babies growing up…out grown all of these. Ah and there are these; things I had slipped away a life time ago, John’s things, quietly waiting to be looked at again, touched…tucked away, waiting for a time such as this.
I am moving…leaving this beautiful place, the memories I am taking with me, the sad ones letting blow with the wind, the glad ones melting my heart. I have lived here for six years, this day being very nearly the exact day John and I bought this home; six years ago, not a long time, but a life time…two years with John and four years without him. And this day is his day November 22, four years gone. Four years, it seems in the blink of an eye but yet it seems like a life time ago. Four years…where has the time gone, not to mention that life…the life of having someone by my side, in the cold of the night and in the walking about of the day?
Waiting, but not alone, certainly not in the desert, no, it has not been where I have felt deserted; on the contrary I have not been alone at all, God has been with me every step of the way, while he has not given me this one thing, filled this empty place beside me, He has given me immeasurably more; my children, ten growing up grandchildren, my people, good friends, experiences, amazing adventures, sweet dreams, handfuls of glitter, moments of grace, comfort, His strong arm around me…me tucked under the feathers of His love. Who could ask for more, even in the midst of my losses, He has given me one blessing after another.
Truly, as I look around this house, going from room to room, my eyes taking in the empty walls and vacant shelves, seeing these stacks of memories, even the mementos already packed away in brown boxes and these here, waiting, I think, this is it, my life. My life, being packed up, but thankfully it’s not an ending, it is a beginning…my time here is done, I’m on my way into a new chapter, new life…and I’m okay with that.
With all that I’ve done and seen and shared….with all that I have felt and experienced and known…everything that has been built up and fought for….for all that I have joyed in and laughed over…yes, even cried, sad mad tears and those wept in awesome wonder…through all of it, these things that can’t be packed away in boxes or stacked up in piles, through all of this John would be happy for me...I know that.
“Hey Bud, come on, I’m ready, let’s go”…here he comes, throwing handfuls of glitter, all smiles, taking the credit, but proud so proud.
Him proud of me, I love that.
