A Man Changed

Nothing ever stays the same, sometimes we love that, sometimes we yearn for change, and we beg God for it.  God, help me to get out of this circumstance, please give me a different life, couldn’t I please live in a more beautiful house, a bigger town, a better weather pattern…God, please give me something different…I need a change!

Sometimes we want people to change, we want a better life and we beg God for it.  God, please change my spouse, change the attitude of my children, please help change the heart of this stubborn person…God please change me!

Yes, we sometimes want change because we are in a rut, sometimes because we are sad, sometimes because we are hurt, and sometimes we want change so that our life will be perfect…perfect in our eyes, yes a change is as good as a rest. 

Sometimes we don’t want change at all, sometimes we want everything to stay the same, saying things like; this is the way I like it, don’t fix it if it ain’t broken, please just leave it as it is, this is perfect as is and in angry voices we say, don’t change anything, just leave it!

Sometimes change happens so slowly that we don’t even realize anything changed, until someone points it out…do you remember when things were this way?

Sometimes change catches us off guard, we didn’t expect it and it affects our heart and soul, sometimes in an awesome amazing way, in a way that we can’t believe our good fortune, our heart cannot contain the joy; a new baby, a new job, a wedding, a marriage, a new life.  

Sometimes change catches us off guard and it affects our heart and soul in a way that we can barely breathe, tears flow, hearts break, souls hurt  and we can clearly see that things will never be the same again…ever.

 

John’s Dad has been in hospital care for well over a month, he has just been moved to a care home, we are hoping that he will be able to be moved to the place where he has enjoyed life for the last few years…we are hoping.  He is not sick, he does not need all sorts of medication, he is not on any life support, but he needs help to do the basic things, necessary things to make him comfortable.  He has changed. Before he went into the hospital my son brought him out for a visit and we saw him changed,  ”Mom something is different about Grampa...”

When a man changes it is noticed. 

Dad was known to all of us as a man with a definite outlook; he was steadfast in his views, holding them tight; whether it was the views of his faith, politics or family life.  He was a hard worker, always on the lookout for a job to do, sometimes to make money, sometimes to be important. He very often was outspoken, stating his views to the world, once in a while he looked out for the other guy and stepped in to help but not always. He was a man of pride and strength, steel and iron…he had a hard knocks life but he also was the father and grandfather of many blessings, sometimes he didn’t know it, at least he didn’t speak it, but deep inside I believe he knew it. 

He was a hard boss, a hard father and a hard husband for most of the years that I have known him but I saw him change.  When John was dying, he came near to him and asked for forgiveness, a hard thing to say, a hard thing to do…a father changed.  Before John, he lost other loved ones, his grandson, his youngest son, his wife, his brother; a lot of loss, a lot of tears…tears soften the soul.  Dad changed, a softer man, a softer heart, I saw that, I know that.  

But now, Dad has changed again, after suffering a small stroke, his heart has softened more, along with his soul.  He is sweeter, he doesn’t know he is sweeter, it might even make him mad if he did, but he is, he is changed.  He doesn’t know everyone anymore, some he calls by the wrong name, some names he can’t recall at all, he can’t understand where he is…but his face lights up when he sees a face he knows, he can still play the piano, he smiles at remembering something, and sometimes his eyes glass over and a tear falls.

This is a new life for him and for us…a man changed.

Nothing ever stays the same.

Glorious

Oh my!  

I sat out on my patio this morning sipping my tea taking in the sunshine and the traffic going past…not the traffic of cars and trucks but of people; families, moms and dads, children, grandparents, joggers, lovers.  I hear bits of their conversation, calling out for their children to wait up, talking about the weather, laughing, loving…glorious.

I moved back to a place very close to where I grew up...my old stomping grounds, the place where I scrambled through blackberry bushes and bull rushes and ran down roads past the homes of my friends to the home where I spent the whole of my childhood, all my teen years, the home where I brought John to meet my parents and where I bring my grandchildren still.

This place, where I have moved  is surrounded by  old memories… the old willow tree still stands there guarding the place at the edge of the lake where I sat with my friends into the night, talking of secrets and life; a  simpler time when all we knew  was each other, our homes and our hiding places. 

There is an old fir tree that marks the place where my friend lived with his family, the only living thing left of the home that was a neighbour to all the homes that once lined this street; homes belonging to the Jansen’s, Reeve’s, Zomar’s and others.  School time friends, I hear their voices still, ringing out into the air of the park reminding me of our adventures in the yards that edged the lake; a playground of exploring while we were younger and a hiding place for secrets, friendships and freedom.

The old fir tree is home to an old clothes line reel, so imbedded into the bark that there will be no turning.  The reel has been wrapped around by the tree itself, a bit of the line still hanging, dangling with no length, no longer even wanting to hold the clothes that once hung there… only holding the stories of what happened in the yards that spilled out from there and the children who played under it.

I bought a townhouse that sits on the edge of Mill Lake; I look out every morning to the water...sunshine glistening off it, ducks and geese flocking to it, eagles soaring over it and people walking all around it...glorious. 

Last night I was awakened to see the moon…casting a spectacular light that flooded my room and I got up to see more.  Imagine the moon, just half of its glory, but as bright and white as it ever has been, ever…brighter…haloed by a moon dog, glowing so large around it as to make it all seem twice the size!  And then imagine it again reflected in the stillness of the lake below.  Identical twins sharing beauty…I could not take my eyes from it…glorious.

Hello God! 

Man, I live in a beautiful place…and how can I sleep at night when God is performing this show, this amazing production on the other side of my window…stars glittering, joy resting, sun rising, peace dancing...home.

I love that.

The Best Words a Heart Can Speak

I had a few things happen to me during this past week, things that saddened me, not horrible, but still…I cried.

These kinds of things happen to everyone, I know that, everyday things that sometimes wouldn’t even make you sad, but sometimes they do; some things that are meant to hurt and they hit the heart hard, bursting it in two; some  things happen that are not meant to hurt at all, but still, they do…some things haven't even happened to you but you feel it. Some things happen that are not horrible but still, you cry.

Of course I’m not fond of these moments, the tear filled hours, the days of feeling unknown, alone and tear swollen but there is a purpose; tears soften the soul.

Tears…sometimes they are the best words a heart can speak, I love that, I do.

I very nearly fell asleep with them but I didn’t, my heart heard the words and came around to peace, I love that too, I do.

My bedroom window  is large, a patio door actually and I leave the curtains pulled back giving me the pleasure of looking out to the lights reflecting off the lake and the stars out in the further distance…beauty.  I awoke this morning to a beautiful sunrise all pink, cloud streaked, the lake reflecting the soft color, sparkling and I thanked God for this view!

No sooner had I moved than my phone rang, the voice of a friend, one I hadn’t expected, sweet words, kind, thoughtful, funny…I laughed…how amazing to be greeted by the unexpected and I thanked God for this friend.

I hung up and wandered to my mirror, I could plainly see this was going to be a good hair day, an unimportant fact really but still every woman, maybe even the men know a bad hair day can affect everything; but clearly this was going to be a good day…yay for me and smiling, I silently sent a thankful word to God.

Downstairs for a cup of tea, waiting for the water to boil I looked to my newly decorated wall; decorated with framed photos of my grandchildren and their parents, everyone beautiful, “Thank-you for this amazing mix of little characters and the folks that shape them…too much!”

Oh man, here is the mail I haven’t touched for a few days; nothing fun, bills; thankfully I have money to pay them and then, yes, one late delivered Christmas card…perfect.

So, all ready, in my ‘truck’ (it is not a van or a car) dog fed and walked, garage door closed and on my way, listening to the radio, taking in the music and hearing the words of the announcer…

 “What if you only had the things you thanked God for this morning?”

I was amazed, the world around me stopped, in awe I smiled; what if those were the only things I had?

...a beautiful world, a wonderful family, a good friend, money and great hair!

Who could ask for anything more!  Being thankful...the best words a heart can speak.

I love that.

A Whirlwind

I had the most eventful year; it was a whirlwind of time, of adventure, of loss, of laughter and tears…a whirlwind of life.

In the old year, I flew off on an adventure to a land of amazing history, a land that speaks out from the very ground, all around the words of people long gone, prophets, men of armies long ago and now, women who cared for their men and lost their children, prophets calling out God’s truth…Christ, God himself , words and steps and tears...calling from the ground filling the air, so much that I did not know which way to look, to hear, to taste…Israel, a whirlwind of adventure, a whirlwind of time.

In the old year, I witnessed death once more; death, the thing we are all born to do…the thing that is so full of grieving, so final, that it is indeed life itself, for it is something that never leaves, it is a breathing in and out, seeing, watching, waiting, breathing in and out, as natural as that…as hard as that…I watched and heard and felt that last breath, my Dad's breath…a whirlwind of loss.

In the old year, I sold my home, the last home I lived together with a man whom I grew up with but would not grow old with; a home full of memories, family, laughter, building, making new…new dreams…almost as many as those that filled our whole life together, his life lost there, so short, the blink of an eye, yet it was a lifetime. So, yes, in the old year I sold my home…a whirlwind of packing up memories, some in boxes and some blown in the wind.

In the old year I bought a new home; a home that when I first saw it I knew it was mine, before I gave a penny, before I brought a piece of myself or my life into it…I knew it was mine.  A new home that speaks of peace and healing and breathing, a home that calls out forgiveness, laughter, life…a new home already filled with God’s blessings, His grace, His love.  A new home full of life, breathing in and out and whispering; whispering new life.

And in between all these were other days too, days full of moments blowing about filling all the spaces that were there to fill, friends loving, family wanting, time spinning...some with tears and some filled with laughter, the laughter of my grandchildren those here who live close by and those who came from Ontario bringing with them long awaited hugs and love and energy, all of it surely lasting to the next visit...it has to. 

All these eventful days blowing in and out, here and there, chasing out the old year and bringing with them all the new that is about to begin.

I am about to enter another whirlwind…

I love that.