Knowing Who I am

Pastor Rob asked if I would give a few words of testimony for our AGM, here are those words...

It has been just over two years since I lost John...well, he’s not lost, he has been saved.

It’s been just over two years, I could have chosen to be bitter, that God did not answer my prayers,  He could have made it so that John would be saved and sitting here beside me...saved. I could be questioning God about that, I could be mad at God.

But, I can’t, in fact very nearly, every day I thank God for answering my prayers.  Prayers that God would turn and bring John closer to Him, that he would be saved. God answered those prayers.  He just chose to do it all at once.  Amazing Grace.  That’s how I see it.

John died Nov 22, 2009 on his Dad’s birthday and it was Sunday, the Lord’s Day.  What an honour, to leave his earthly father into the arms of his Heavenly Father on such a day...more Amazing grace, I love that.

It has been just over two years and nothing has been the way I thought it would go, either with what I thought people would do or with what I thought I would do and ...nothing has been the same.

The first year as hard as that was,  at least I knew who I was, I was a woman whose husband died, a widow...that’s a hard word...a hard word to be, a hard word to do.

The second year most people said things like ‘how are you, you must be better?’  But, honestly, year two was harder.  I lost who I was, everything about who I was.  Even though it looked like I was the same, I didn’t know who that was.  People could see where I was but I didn't know where that was. It seemed I was lost.

Honestly, I was very close to calling this Mr Dahl that everyone has been talking about...or someone like him. The second year was hard.

But those two years are behind me, I am getting better...I am being changed, I am finding out who I am again.

I am a mother and a grandmother...

I am Judy...

I volunteer at the Cancer Agency, not to mention caring for my elderly parents and my 10 beautiful grandchildren, I am giving back.

I am practicing yoga and I am learning to play guitar.  I am learning new things.

I love to listen to music and I cannot get enough of reading books...I am immersing my mind.

I journal everything and I write for the blog here on our church website.  I am a writer. 

I Bowl on a team with 5 wonderful friends every Wednesday morning.  I am part of a team.

I attend the LTO on Tuesday evenings and I helped start a bible study group for ladies called Prime Time, these ladies I am indebted to...I am a fellow sojourner.

All of these have been like therapy to me, they have been a gift, all of them filtered through the fingers of God and I am being transformed.

I am knowing who I am...I am Judy, just a girl asking God to love her...more than that I am a girl who knows that God loves her...and I am so thankful.

I am Judy, I am being changed and I am going to be okay.

The Real World

Get a life.  Get a real life in the real world...ever heard comments like that?

When my man couldn’t quite understand where I was coming from, either my point of view or my lifestyle choice, he would say , “Get in the real world!”  I would usually respond with a sadness because it was he that needed to “get in the real world”.

  

My man’s view was from that of the world, a world’s eye view, one of work and work.  His real world was a man’s world, it was mostly found in the rock-hard, work-hard business of road construction.  It was all about dump trucks, loaders, packers and graders.  Big machinery, iron-strong equipment that dug up, dumped on, packed down, rolled over and graded straight smooth, with the eyes of a level. His work was big but it was operating in just a corner of the real world.

 

There were other corners to living in this world.  I often wondered why he thought he was in the real world. 

He didn’t know then what he would soon and soon, begin to know, the real world is that with eternity in mind.  The last few years he was with me, I noticed a change, he was not so preoccupied with work, he began to relax and he began to understand me more.  He began to laugh more and to cry more.  He didn’t know it yet, but his heart was softening and he was beginning to be part of the real world.

This past week I have been reminded of his words because in our book discussion we have been talking about this world and that world. One is about trying to stay on the right path and the other is about looking for easy street.

One of them, the world of heavenly things, affects our soul, it is about the things that affect our life after this life.  And we talked of the other, the one that takes away from our life, it sucks life out of us, it damages our soul.  In one world we love our neighbour as our self and the other loves self, it loves self indulgence and self gain.  One world is lived by self-denial the other by selfishness.

Those who are in the latter don’t even realize that with all this love of self, they end up being their own worst enemy.

“Their destiny is destruction, their God is their stomach and their glory is in their shame.  

Their mind is on earthly things.  But our citizenship is in Heaven.” 

Philipians 3 : 19

These are the worlds we’ve been talking about.  Right now, I know beyond any doubt that my man is in the real world and I am pressing on towards it.  

This is the Day

On Sunday morning Rob asked if we were content. How concentrated are we on being thankful, giving thanks for what we have, for being grateful for where we are?  Contentment. Sometimes we forget to concentrate on that, to search out thankfulness, to be grateful, to be content right where we are.

I have just finished reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, an amazing wave of thoughts by a woman whose heart and mind is on the constant search for thankfulness.  She calls it Eucharisteo...thankfulness, the constant search for it in her life, right where she is, to live her life fully in joy...her needing to see the joy.  Ann-Full-of-Grace dares us to be on the search too, to keep a journal of one thousand gifts.  One thousand gifts of joy written down and numbered.  I have taken on the dare and the name of her book is written long in my journal beside # 106.

I am generally a Polly-Anna thinker, I can find the things to be glad about…and I have known contentment.  Right now I am content, I am.  But sometimes it has been hard to find joy in an everyday life, even for us Polly-Anna types, where it seemed all we had to do was keep house. Where we had to do mundane things like keeping up with piles of laundry, washing dishes, making meals, caring for our family, caring for them for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

Joy, in our everyday, sometimes it seems impossible.

I remember the days when I was in the middle of it, I remember saying just under my breath,    “ What a day! ” I was so tired of it all, sometimes I was near to exploding, letting it all out for everyone in the neighbourhood to hear, sometimes I was so close to tears and I wondered, is this all there is?  But, just as soon as I said it, those three words, the ones that were always preceded by a deep sigh from my soul, something would happen, right then, right there…a bit of joy would come in.  Right then, I would hear the little song in my head whose words are “This is the day the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad in it.”  That little song saved my heart and soul many times because of the joy it let in.  My sigh was always replaced with a smile, enabling me, for a while, to see the brighter side.  I loved that little song.  I still do.

The words to the song are found in the section of scripture known as the Hallel, songs of praise, Psalm 113-118. These songs of praise were sung during the Passover celebration, including my little song.  The Jewish people sang it.  I love that.  It was a reminder to them about the celebration of the Holy days, of how far God had brought them. God days, all days with God in them and of days that were yet to come.  It is said that Jesus sang that song. That He sang it at the last supper and maybe even again in the garden that night.  That amazing little song.  I love knowing that, thinking it true.  It would have been a comfort to His soul, a comfort to his heart and mind, knowing what He knew...the God-day that God had planned for Him, the Holy days and then all the days yet to come. A song of praise, a comfort, something to be thankful for...even for Jesus...what a day!

"This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Psalm 118 : 24

A comfort, a little bit of joy, thankfulness to face the day and even the days yet to come…God’s graces, I'm writing them down, one by one and finding joy in my everyday.

What good is it?

Just a few thoughts on my mind from the ladies and Beth this week...

it is a gift...an unexplainable thirst to study, followed by the difficulty 

                                         of keeping to yourself what you've learned.

                                     

Faith without works, what good is it?

Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?

Wisdom is the what, Understanding is the why...
                                            Wisdom often knows what to do, Understanding
                             often knows why.

...being full of ourselves, self, self, self centredness!

Forgiveness is an act of yielding, not to give up, but to give over...

What you do speaks so loud that no one can hear what you say.

            this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Err on the side of mercy.

Be full of mercy   - do not be inundated with the worlds condition...
                                                             you can't fix it...it is not your job.
                                - do not speak empty blessings
                                - notice others, dignify them
                                - the good life has got to show...Jesus came to give an abundant life

...Faith, without works, what good is it?

Such as This

I love the story of  Rahab.  I love how God uses her and her circumstance.  Her circumstance was not good, in fact, in these days, probably in those days too, she was not a person whose circumstance we would want to be connected with.  But God did.  God does not play favorites. Rahab was a prostitute, yet  He saw something in her that was worth more.  And just like He did with Esther, in her circumstance, He used Rahab in hers, for His purpose, for a time such as this.  A Queen and a prostitute, He does not play favorites.

Such as this, a time to stand, a time to be used by God, a time to save and a time to be saved.

Such as this, knowing who you are.

“Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought but think of yourself with sober judgement in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you”    Romans 12:3

Rahab knew who she was.

Rahab knew that her circumstance was not good, she did not want to be judged for that, she wanted to be judged for who she was, inside.  Rahab chose to believe God, to believe that she was somebody and she wanted to know this God, to trust Him.  She wanted a way to believe that she could make it, that this God was for her, not against her.  She wanted God to trust her.  She could do it and she could do it for a time such as this.

Such as this, a time to believe that you can do it, to be trusted.

The bible doesn’t tell us much more about Rahab, but we know she went on to be faithful to God, in fact more than that, she is named in the lineage of Christ.

I heard somewhere, that to know yourself is to give a proper estimate of yourself…an estimate of myself, a proper estimate. I am pretty sure I know who I am, I think I have a proper estimate, but more importantly, God knows it, He knows who I am.

My daughter and I went to the funeral of a friend the other day, we learned something new about him, things that we didn’t know, but things that God knows.  God knows the proper estimate of him.  Yesterday I was visiting with a friend, a good friend, she didn’t know this about me, that I speak the words of my heart and soul here, these words.  She’s been finding out new things about me, things that God knows.

Who am I?  I am who God says I am and He delights in me. The truth of what God says about me, is worth remembering and  I want to remember who I am, where I came from, and from how far I have come. I want to believe God, I want to trust Him and even more, I want Him to trust me.  I want to believe I can do it.

What I need to know is, what is this it and what is the time of it…the time such as this?

Glorious days

Earlier in this week, we enjoyed some beautiful spring days, it was like April in February.  One of those mornings, I sat outside in my red lawn chair, sipping coffee, admiring the three eagles that for days now, have been perched in the tree down by the pasture.  I took in Mount Baker heaped with snow, sun tipped, and my own little dog sunning in the grass beside me.  When I went inside, I left my door open and opened the windows too, allowing the sound of my pond bubbling into itself, to drift in through my screens, not to mention that sweet sweet smell of fresh air.

Such a glorious morning.  I am looking forward to spring being here for real, to enjoy more of those kind of days.  When I was a little girl I loved the coming of spring, taking off my shoes and running barefoot, through the grass and down the road.  I could not get my shoes and socks off fast enough…

Earlier in this week, I went to visit with my parents.  As we were taking in the sunshine my Dad said to me “I want to pay the grass guy to come here and dig out my gardens and pull out those tall  and tumbled weeds…”  looking at me, he continued  “unless you want to do it?”  A million no’s ran through my head, my hands stiffened and my shoulders came up, no.  Phone the grass guy.  No, not me.  I looked at him and said   “yes, I can do that.”  He smiled.

Such a glorious smile, if I can say that about my Dad.  But it did seem to make him pretty happy.  I checked the weather to see if the sun was still expected to be out, yes, one more day.  When I was a young wife, I loved working in the gardens, I kept gardening books, mapping out my rows of vegetables and flowers. Veggies that were best for eating straight from the garden without cooking and flowers that were best for growing tall and picking.  Picked for that favorite vase that a friend gave me long ago…

So, earlier this week, I went to my Dad’s to garden, I brought my grandson, Benny, with me, along with his wagon, his big yellow dump truck, his blue shovel, and some snackies.  Before we left my house I had given him some graham wafer crackers that he had spread some icing on, cookies for Pop and Oma, a sweet treat.  It was a morning of work, but such fun…and satisfying.  As I leaned on my rake, in drove my daughter-in- law with her little three, to leave with us as she went off to do ’just a quick errand’.  And I, watched my family.  One, two, three, four grandchildren, two great grandparents, one dog and me, overflowing my parents front yard.  Pop with his hat, dog in hand, Oma with the baby and all the little rest with stones in pockets full, sun shinning, filling us full of spring.

Such a glorious day.  When John and I had the tree farm, spring was a busy time.  We hardly had time for enjoying it.  It was all work, getting cuttings ready for planting, knees in dirt, digging holes, shaking off the pots, placing the plants, hands dirty and row after row laid out for more.  In the dirt, setting out irrigation pipes, stretched long, for the water to reach all the rows of  the young trees, the plantings that were laid out for the next four years of growing and weeding and waiting. We would be satisfied. Yes, today I am remembering those days…

Earlier this week, I enjoyed my my grandchildren and my Dad's glorious smile along with a bit of spring...but spring is not here yet, we just had a taste of it, we’re waiting, it will come and we will be satisfied.

For God’s Word is solid to the core; everything He makes is sound inside and out.

He loves it when everything fits, when His world is in plumb-line true.  

Earth is drenched in God’s affectionate satisfaction.  

Psalm 33: 4-5

I love that.

Eyes wide open

I’ve been reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, I love her style, it is startling, a writing filled with stops and starts of joy.  I love her mad…I love the deep down heart wrenching, brain wreck working of her mad and her writing down of it.  And I love her joy…the simple way of finding it, needing it, the glad running and happy laughing of it.  She brings me in and I get it.  One thing she said to me through her words, and there are many, my book is underlined, book marked and corner turned from marking the places of the words she has said to me.  Anyway, one of the things she said to me was this “Praying with eyes wide open is the only way to pray without ceasing.”  Eyes wide open.  Yes.  I believe it.  I know it, it is true and that is my favourite way of talking to God, right now while the thing is happening, eyes wide open…and under my breath praying.

In Nehemiah 2:4-5 (the Msg)  Nehemiah approaches the King…

“The King then asked me “So what do you want?”

 Praying under my breath to the God of Heaven, I said “if it please the King…”

Under his breath he prays to God.  Eyes wide open, approaching the King, talking to the King yet under his breath praying to God.  Perfect.  I love that.

There are other ways to pray, to talk to God, where any two or more are gathered together, whether it is just you and me or whether it is you and me along with fifty or a hundred more, eyes closed and on our knees.  This sounds good as well.  Give me some of that too, heart felt, soul wrenching cries for help from all the saints asking God to hear our prayers, to turn and hear.

To turn and hear.  When I’m talking to someone, especially if it’s something from my heart, I want them to turn and look at me, to hear what I’m saying, to see me. To see me, deep down, and to understand the words of my heart.  I have recently been blessed by such a conversation, I was seen.

I want to be seen by God.  Hagar was seen by God, she called him El Roi the God who sees.

Ann Voskamp talks a bit about Hagar, being Hagar, looking for water, wanting water. ..for her and her son. Being saved with water by a God who sees.  I love that.  I love that God sees me too. And I love that I can approach my God, eyes wide open…mine and His.

He sees me.

Birthing joy

Ever been in a really hard circumstance?  A circumstance that made you so sad, maybe a little mad?  Maybe a lot mad!  Ever been in a circumstance that made your head spin, your heart ache?  A circumstance that looked like the anguish of it, the suffering of it, would never end?

Life is hard.

When you love someone, life is never easy.  Life is filled with our people, people we love…love is hard.  Life is wrapped up in our people and life becomes filled with all kinds of events and situations, circumstances that affect us but also affect those we love.  What do we do with that?

Every choice we make affects our people, those people we love.  No matter what circumstance we are going through, hard, sweet, sad or mad.  It is pretty easy if it is a sweet event, a sweet circumstance.  Easy to let our choice overflow onto those we love and even everyone around us …a choice of love, of life, a choice of joy. Let’s do it again!  Happy wife, happy life…easy.

Hard.

Hard if it’s a sad circumstance, the decision we make concerning that will affect our people too.  Lots of things have the potential to make us sad, to make us mad, to make our head spin with anguish and our hearts deflate. Perhaps you are raising a child with special needs, or a teenager who is dealing with addiction.  Maybe you have a family member who is not doing their fair share for you.  Possibly you are living with sickness, an illness, a disease.  Maybe your husband has left you, maybe, just maybe he has left this world, leaving a hole in you forever and ever...  Hard things that have the potential to deaden our hearts.  What are we going to do with those things?

I read somewhere that 'misery is selective'  implying that misery is a choice to be selected. Little tick boxes neatly placed beside misery, beside joy.  What are you going to consider, what will you choose?

"Consider it pure joy, my brother, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete..."        James 1:2    

                     
Trials, whenever, of many kinds, look for God’s grace, look for the blessing, if you can‘t see it, look harder…persevere.

To persevere in itself suggests some sort of suffering, it does, it is.  I have been there.  The people I love, the people in my life have been affected by my choices.  Persevere...yes. Because sadness, suffering, and head spinning anguish will turn into joy, test it, try it, do it.  I know it.  Time and time again I have stabbed my stake in the ground and made my choice. sometimes it has been easy.  Sometimes it has been HARD.  I choose not to let that sad, mad, days-filled-with-anguish circumstance deaden my heart…what do you choose?

I choose life and by God's grace, the joy of it... birthing joy.

I love that.